Forgiveness

I need to learn how to take care of myself.

I have always hated my body. Even when I was in High School and wore a size 8 (at 5'8"!), I was convinced that I was fat and refused to wear shorts. Exercise has always been a dirty word. I have always treated my body like the enemy, especially when I got so sick and my body went into full rebellion.

Because I don't understand having a healthy respect for one's body, I tend to regard people that do take care of themselves with mixed awe and suspicion. Are they so self-absorbed that they spend so much time worshiping their bodies? Do they neglect their families so that they can go to the gym? Do they make martyrs of themselves with their restrictive diets? That couldn't be farther from the truth. People that exercise and eat carefully understand what I do not.

This is the only body that we have. It was given to us for our use while we're here. Our lives will be much easier if we take care of it. Taking care means exercise and eating well and getting proper amounts of rest. It's that simple. And, if that means that we are self-absorbed, so be it. Maybe we need to be. Maybe I need to be.

So, the day of reckoning has come. I am going to enroll in Weight Watchers Online again. I will start moving... not sure what will work best yet, but I'll figure it out. And, I am going to forgive myself. I'm a good person trapped in a bad body that I have neglected and abused and beaten up to the point that it is starting to push back. I will look at everything that I eat in terms of "how is that good for me?" rather than "I shouldn't be eating that." And I will get better. I have to. This is the gift that I was given, and my approach for the last 40 years isn't working. Obviously.

Guilt doesn't work. Neither does hatred, or anger, or loathing, or disgust. It's time for a little respect and forgiveness. And patience. Lots and lots of patience.