Pain

I think that the Remicade is doing something to help. Up until a week ago, I was feeling much better. Not much pain, or diarrhea, or cramping. But, lately it has felt like the switch was flipped. I have been living in hot showers and bed. I stayed in bed and slept until 4 (!) today because I was so achy I couldn't bear the thought of moving around.

Remicade is coming on Thursday. I'm so relieved. I really, really hope that it is helping.

On Being Fat

I have well-documented problems with my weight. I have never had a healthy body image, and I see exercise as torture. I don't move enough, I don't get my heart rate up enough, and I don't monitor my caloric intake closely enough. It's that simple.

As is my usual practice on a Sunday morning, I have spent a lot of time reading the New York Times online. I managed to get sucked into a very uncivil, and rather frightening, online discussion of whether or not obese people are responsible for the conditions of their bodies.

I'm going to sit firmly on the fence on this one. Normally, as someone that has pretty sharp opinions about everything, I wouldn't hesitate to jump in on one side or the other. But, I truly do see both sides of this one clearly. Yes, I would be much thinner, and much healthier, if I gave my body the respect that it deserves. It doesn't take a genius to understand that exercise + reduction in calories = weight loss. But, it is extremely difficult for me to follow those simple rules. Severe joint pain makes strenuous exercise miserable. Fresh and/or raw vegetables incite riot in my digestive tract. That is not to say that I don't get ANY exercise or that I ONLY eat bad things. That couldn't be farther from the truth. But, it makes an aggressive plan for weight loss very challenging.

The one thing that I am going to do, though, is to cut out alcohol as much as I possibly can. I will still taste wine at the store. I will still have a drink when we go out for dinner. But, I'm not going to buy any regularly. As much as I love a glass of wine or two in the evening, I absolutely do not need those calories.

And then I see photo features like this in the Chicago Tribune. Virtually everything here is fried and FRIGHTENING. My stomach was upset just looking at it.

But first, I have to start by loving myself and forgiving myself. That is always the hardest step.

Unreal

I feel as though I have gone from 0-60 in nanoseconds.

What relevance does the sexual orientation, or sexual recognition, have to job performance? What is the big freaking deal if someone is trapped in a man's body and realizes that they are a woman and wants to make that change?

Why is that anyone's business?

Of course, in Florida, it would be a big deal. Many problems with the United States are brought to light in Florida.

I've been watching Her Name Was Steven on CNN. To say that I am pissed off is perhaps the understatement of the year.

Peaceful

What a lovely morning. Or, should I say, afternoon? I am drinking marvelous, freshly-ground coffee and eating blueberry pancakes. I have a purring and snuggly Annie in my lap. The rain is gently falling outside. I want to freeze this moment forever.

Five for Friday

Feelin' kind of listy. Listy as in wanting to make lists, not listy as in tipping over. Although, I'm pretty good at that too.

Things that make me happy:

1. Waking up to spooning with Katie.
   
2. Tulips peeking up out of the flower beds.
3. Warm, fragrant showers after a long day.
   
4. My Great-great-grandmother's china cabinet.
5. Teeny tiny little shrub cherry sprouts.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Being asked to dust shelves at the store. Ridiculous.
2. Stinky shoes.
   
3. Charter Communications. They are completely incompetent.
   
4. Biting my nails without even realizing that I'm doing it.
   
5. Forgetting to bring a book to work to read during lunch.

Found it, But Might Have to Lose it Again

I have started watching Lost from the beginning. When it was brand new and really really cool, I watched the first season. Then, I stopped watching it.

I'm about a quarter of the way through the second season, and I am Sick To Death of the Kate drama. Does it get any better? Wait, don't answer that. I know that she hasn't been killed off yet on the show, so it probably doesn't.

Five for Tuesday

Late as usual.

Things that make me happy:

1. The smell of rain, even on pavement.
2. A cuddly, purry, meowy Annie (even at oh-hell-no AM).
   
3. Minibar.
   
4. Being able to watch Lost episodes on Hulu.
5. The Prairie Home Companion Joke Episode.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Alarm clocks.
   
2. Jay Leno.
   
3. The smell of tequila.
4. Giving up HBO just in time for The Pacific to start.
5. Babies needing surgery. But, C is all better now so it ended well.
   
6. 
   

Bargain of the Day

Just for grins, I went to Goodwill to see if I could get a pair of jeans that I could wear (and potentially trash) at work. I found a pair that fit, liked the $7.49 price tag, and took them to the register.

Turns out that all of the clothes are 99 cents today. 99 cents! I scraped together the change and paid for my jeans. Incredible.

More Icky, but less Icky

The cold seems to have localized itself in my nose and throat. I don't hurt all over as badly as I did, and I'm not running a temperature. So, that's progress.

However, I woke up this morning with a ginormous cold sore on my lower lip. Dammit! I don't mind carrying all kinds of plagues, but I don't want them to be so OBVIOUS. It's gorgeous.

The Ick

I think that I have gotten the Ick that has been going around the store. I've been alternately cold and hot and dizzy and achy and ooky. It's hard to tell if the achy is worse than usual, though, because it's been quite chilly and wet.

I came home early from work today, took a long nap, ate some fabulous spanakopita, and am trying to get back to sleep now. At least I'm off on Wednesday without any huge plans. Hopefully, I will start feeling a little better.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I would like it very much if the Canadians won the Gold Medal hockey game.

On Fighting

We are in a bit of financial trouble. That is perhaps a huge understatement, but I don't want to go into great detail. For two very intelligent people, we have made some horrendous mistakes and have been negligent in a way that is horrifying. So, we're in a very dark and scary place.

However, we have been given some gifts from places that we never expected. We have gotten a tremendous amount of support (and not just financial) from family. We are taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes. We are working harder and thinking smarter about what we are doing. We will be fine in the long run.

It's going to be an incredibly tough slog. Harder than either one of us ever thought was possible. But, we WILL do this. We WILL NOT lose each other. We WILL NOT lose our house. We WILL be so much stronger and smarter as a result of this. And we WILL move on.

The Itch

Ever since I had the setons installed in November, I have become well-acquainted with The Itch. I was very accustomed to dealing with all kinds of pain, but The Itch is all-consuming, as nothing takes care of it other than a warm shower.

I'm not sure what causes The Itch. No, that's not true. I have a theory that I will discuss with Dr. L on Tuesday. It's really gross, so you don't want to hear it. But, we need a better plan for dealing with it. Obviously, I can't spend the rest of my life in the shower, regardless of how appealing that would be.

Calmoseptine ointment has been my lifesaver. It has menthol in it, and is a moisture barrier, so that helps tremendously. However, it doesn't take care of all of the itching and certainly doesn't stop it once The Itch really starts. Only a shower does that.

I completely understand how itching can be used as an extreme form of torture. I have made H promise that if I am ever in a coma, the nurses will keep me loaded up with Calmoseptine so that I don't feel any itching. I am sure that it would drive me insane even if I was unconscious.

A Really Big Stack of Stuff

My Mom drove down today for a spur-of-the moment visit. She brought with her a bag filled to the brim with Boxtops and Campbell's Soup labels and Betty Crocker points. My Grandmother had been saving them since time immemorial. Betty Crocker points? Apparently, you used to be able to redeem the proofs of purchase from Betty Crocker products for Things. I think that green stamps used to work the same way. K's school collects the Boxtops, and Mom and I save them for her. The elementary school near us collects the Campbell's labels as well. But Betty Crocker?

Mom asked Grandma for whom she was saving all of it and Grandma didn't know. But, by golly, she had a lot of them! So, Mom spent some time this afternoon drinking hot chocolate (with peppermint schnapps, of course!) and sorting them out. Boxtops go to K. Campbell's labels stay here. Betty Crocker points are useless.

Unfortunately, Betty Crocker discontinued their program in 2006, according to the website. That's really unfortunate, because we could have gone on a European cruise with all of these points.

At least I know where both Mom and I get our penchant for saving things from. We come by it VERY honestly. And, for the record, Mom also brought a baggie of pop tops for our Girl Scouts. My baggie is bigger.

Heartbreaking

I can never get over how little creatures can touch our lives so immeasurably. My heart is breaking for Rusty and his parents. And, I hope that Cheshire is well soon. H and I were devastated when Annie was sick this last time, and we can't imagine what it would be like to have a little one that is leaving us.

Five for Saturday

Better late than never, with a slight twist.

Five nutritious foods that I really like to eat:

1. Carrots and celery sticks with Trader Joe's organic bleu cheese dressing.
2. Lara Bars. Especially the Coconut Cream ones.
3. Seedless Clementines.
4. Breakfast burritos with low fat cheddar cheese, egg beaters, and turkey sausage.
   
5. Greek Cinnamon Chicken.
6. 100 calorie bags of microwave popcorn. Hold the synthetic butter, please.
   

Yes, that's six. Math has never been my strong suit.

I am trying to learn how to eat breakfast. I have always hated eating in the morning, even when I was a kid. My mom used to shove food down my throat before school and it always grossed me out. But, that's the only way to get your metabolism revved up consistently. So, I've been eating little things in the car on the way to work. Just a banana or a Lara bar can do it. And, I find that I'm hungry when I wake up now. That's a good thing.

Laundry Quandary

For the record, my one resolution to write more this year isn't working out too well so far. Of course, I don't need to point that out.

Some families stockpile bottled water and canned food. Some stockpile diapers. Some stockpile junked cars in the yard. We stockpile SOCKS.

I only wish that I was kidding.

Our sock situation has gotten completely out of control due to a number of different factors. First, the evil washer and dryer still are not working as they should. I can't wash more than 1/3 to 1/4 of a load at a time, or the washer goes out of balance. Sometimes, it goes out of balance anyway just to keep me on my toes. So, I have been doing laundry on a "desperate need" basis for the last month or so.

Second, H has never learned how to use this washer and dryer. Yes, he is a very intelligent man with a law degree. Yes, using the washer only requires pushing a few buttons. But, I have spoiled him and have always done the laundry since we've been together. He has never really done the laundry anyway. During that year or so that he was in the apartment with J, I would make it a point to go up once a month and do all of the laundry for him. Invariably, it was horrifying and would result in at least 3 kleenex going through the wash.

Third, H's mom is OBSESSED with socks. I don't use the word obsessed lightly, either. I have more cute socks than I will ever be able to wear. I have socks that will never match anything in my closet. I have socks for every holiday. This past Christmas, she sent to me two pairs of Halloween socks that she bought in 2008 and forgot to send to me. When P was here for Thanksgiving, she took H shopping and bought him AT LEAST 30 pairs of socks. As I have been doing deep cleaning in the closets and around the house, I keep finding the damn things everywhere. Of course, the great majority of them are single pairs with unique patterns so when one is lost, the other has to be garbage.

Never mind the fact that as I've been doing a squillion loads of catch-up laundry, I haven't been taking the time to match all of the socks. I have a pile on the dresser of at least 100 socks. I am not kidding. And, I'm not done with all of the laundry yet.

What I don't understand is why certain clothing companies, particularly an upscale brand that I'll just call "BB, " insists on over-packaging their socks. I found a pile of BB sock packaging on the floor in the closet. More under the bed. Some squirreled away in various drawers in the closet. Some in shopping bags. The packaging mainly consists of belly bands and plastic hangers, but in some cases there are PINS and STITCHES and even TISSUE PAPER. Why, for the love of God, would one need to put tissue paper in a SOCK? At this moment, I have a garbage bag in our bedroom that contains mainly used kleenex, used dryer sheets, and SOCK PACKAGING.

Once the Superbowl is over, my next project will be to go through our dressers and purge all of the old socks and underwear. H won't like it, but he'll survive. Otherwise, I'm going to have to figure out how to cook socks for dinner.

New Year Resolutions

Not going to do it. I always do it and I always fail and then I feel terrible about it.

But, I am going to write more. Really.