Forgiveness

I need to learn how to take care of myself.

I have always hated my body. Even when I was in High School and wore a size 8 (at 5'8"!), I was convinced that I was fat and refused to wear shorts. Exercise has always been a dirty word. I have always treated my body like the enemy, especially when I got so sick and my body went into full rebellion.

Because I don't understand having a healthy respect for one's body, I tend to regard people that do take care of themselves with mixed awe and suspicion. Are they so self-absorbed that they spend so much time worshiping their bodies? Do they neglect their families so that they can go to the gym? Do they make martyrs of themselves with their restrictive diets? That couldn't be farther from the truth. People that exercise and eat carefully understand what I do not.

This is the only body that we have. It was given to us for our use while we're here. Our lives will be much easier if we take care of it. Taking care means exercise and eating well and getting proper amounts of rest. It's that simple. And, if that means that we are self-absorbed, so be it. Maybe we need to be. Maybe I need to be.

So, the day of reckoning has come. I am going to enroll in Weight Watchers Online again. I will start moving... not sure what will work best yet, but I'll figure it out. And, I am going to forgive myself. I'm a good person trapped in a bad body that I have neglected and abused and beaten up to the point that it is starting to push back. I will look at everything that I eat in terms of "how is that good for me?" rather than "I shouldn't be eating that." And I will get better. I have to. This is the gift that I was given, and my approach for the last 40 years isn't working. Obviously.

Guilt doesn't work. Neither does hatred, or anger, or loathing, or disgust. It's time for a little respect and forgiveness. And patience. Lots and lots of patience.

Subversive Thought of the Day

When did Jimmy Fallon get cute? Isn't he supposed to be fat?

Subversive Thought of the Day

I don't like monkeys. I think they're creepy.

Things That Make Me Feel Stupid

I'm not stupid. I'm really not. I'm actually quite intelligent. However, there are always some things that make me feel like a complete moron. Here's a short list:

• Going to the car dealership for maintenance. Even if it's regular maintenance, and I need to have it done, I still hate it. This actually applies to anything having to do with the car.
  
• Looking at my checking account balance.
  
• Watching Lost.
  
• Listening to H talk about religion.
  
• Not understanding why I can't upload profile pictures onto Twitter.
  
• Any math beyond counting to 10.
• Customers asking questions about tequila. I hate tequila!
  

On the other hand, there are some things that I understand very well that many people don't. Done efficiently, these things always make me look like a genius.

• How to pack efficiently for a trip.
• How to plan for and throw a party.

I'm not completely inept.

Sorry.

I just don't have anything to say. Perhaps I'll be inspired by something over the next few days.

Model of Efficiency

Believe it or not, I got up and out of the house before 10 on my day off. Holy jeebus! Here's where I went:

1. Home Depot
2. PetSmart
3. Hair cut
4. Swanky's for fish tacos
   
5. Office Depot
6. Bed Bath & Beyond
7. Krogzilla

Even more incredible is the fact that I came in $15 under budget for the day and only bought two things that weren't on my list. And, I was home with the groceries put away before 2!

I'm worn out. I need a nap now.

The Best Teacher

I could not have asked for a more wonderful, loving, supportive Mom. It's impossible to encapsulate everything that she has taught me into a few short sentences, but let's try to recap some of it.

1. Everyone that comes into your home is a treasured guest, and deserves to be treated accordingly. Do everything that you can to make them feel welcome and comfortable, and feed them within an inch of their lives. This applies to not only humans but any furry creature that ventures into the yard.
   
2. Use the good china. What's the point of having it if you never use it? It can always be replaced if broken.
   
3. Need to get something done? Figure it out. Use your head, and if necessary, power tools.
4. There is always room in the yard for another tree.
5. Lawn-mowing is therapeutic (although, I have my doubts about this).
6. If you're going to plant something, make sure that it's ornamental or edible or both. And, most importantly, make sure that the colors are consistent. Nothing red or yellow is ever allowed.
   
7. Be a rock. Never give anyone that you love reason to doubt that you are not completely devoted to them and that you wouldn't move heaven and earth for them.
   

I love you so much, Mom. You are an amazing woman, with the strength of countless more.

Media Blackout

I have been at home all day and have not turned the TV on.

I have a love/hate affair with TV. I would never go without one. But, so much of the stuff that is on is crap. Actually, the great majority of it is crap. When it's on, it is usually on CNN for background noise.

I have never followed many shows. I have my guilty pleasures (like Biggest Loser) and heavy dramas (like The Tudors, Sons of Anarchy, Sopranos). I never have more than 2 or 3 shows per season that I watch. It's just not my thing. But, I do get obsessed with the ones that I do invest the time in (like Battlestar Galactica). I have never been into sitcoms. Ever. I have watched some of Arrested Development on Hulu, and it's great, but I don't seek it out. I should probably watch 30 Rock, but I can't pull the trigger. I am just not into comedies. It might be different if I had a sense of humor.

Today, I decided not to turn it on. There's no reason for it. And, it has been pleasantly silent until The Lawn Guy showed up.

Such a rebel I am.

Uh Oh

There are some things growing in my butterfly bushes. My first thought is that they are weeds, but I'm not so sure. The leaves look very similar, but are bigger. I'm afraid to yank them out because I don't want to kill off any new growth, but I don't want them to take over the bushes.

I should take pictures and send them to Mom. She'd know what to do.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Eight, count 'em, EIGHT new trees in the back yard, including seven teeny tiny new maples.
   
2. Rain, rain, rain.
3. Naps while it rains.
   
4. The smell of rain.
5. Not having to water anything because of all of the rain. See a theme here?
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. All of this freaking paranoia about H1N1. Give me a break. Although, the tweets from Mother Abigail and Randall Flagg are hilarious.
2. Being incredibly, dreadfully tired.
3. Having to renew license plates. Just one more thing to pay for.
   
4. People that believe that you aren't a family unless you have children. I'll save that for another rant sometime.
   
5. Neck pain. What is going on here? I'm completely falling apart.