On Being Fat

I have well-documented problems with my weight. I have never had a healthy body image, and I see exercise as torture. I don't move enough, I don't get my heart rate up enough, and I don't monitor my caloric intake closely enough. It's that simple.

As is my usual practice on a Sunday morning, I have spent a lot of time reading the New York Times online. I managed to get sucked into a very uncivil, and rather frightening, online discussion of whether or not obese people are responsible for the conditions of their bodies.

I'm going to sit firmly on the fence on this one. Normally, as someone that has pretty sharp opinions about everything, I wouldn't hesitate to jump in on one side or the other. But, I truly do see both sides of this one clearly. Yes, I would be much thinner, and much healthier, if I gave my body the respect that it deserves. It doesn't take a genius to understand that exercise + reduction in calories = weight loss. But, it is extremely difficult for me to follow those simple rules. Severe joint pain makes strenuous exercise miserable. Fresh and/or raw vegetables incite riot in my digestive tract. That is not to say that I don't get ANY exercise or that I ONLY eat bad things. That couldn't be farther from the truth. But, it makes an aggressive plan for weight loss very challenging.

The one thing that I am going to do, though, is to cut out alcohol as much as I possibly can. I will still taste wine at the store. I will still have a drink when we go out for dinner. But, I'm not going to buy any regularly. As much as I love a glass of wine or two in the evening, I absolutely do not need those calories.

And then I see photo features like this in the Chicago Tribune. Virtually everything here is fried and FRIGHTENING. My stomach was upset just looking at it.

But first, I have to start by loving myself and forgiving myself. That is always the hardest step.

All Right, Then

Three pounds down after one week on Weight Watchers. Good way to start, no?

Forgiveness

I need to learn how to take care of myself.

I have always hated my body. Even when I was in High School and wore a size 8 (at 5'8"!), I was convinced that I was fat and refused to wear shorts. Exercise has always been a dirty word. I have always treated my body like the enemy, especially when I got so sick and my body went into full rebellion.

Because I don't understand having a healthy respect for one's body, I tend to regard people that do take care of themselves with mixed awe and suspicion. Are they so self-absorbed that they spend so much time worshiping their bodies? Do they neglect their families so that they can go to the gym? Do they make martyrs of themselves with their restrictive diets? That couldn't be farther from the truth. People that exercise and eat carefully understand what I do not.

This is the only body that we have. It was given to us for our use while we're here. Our lives will be much easier if we take care of it. Taking care means exercise and eating well and getting proper amounts of rest. It's that simple. And, if that means that we are self-absorbed, so be it. Maybe we need to be. Maybe I need to be.

So, the day of reckoning has come. I am going to enroll in Weight Watchers Online again. I will start moving... not sure what will work best yet, but I'll figure it out. And, I am going to forgive myself. I'm a good person trapped in a bad body that I have neglected and abused and beaten up to the point that it is starting to push back. I will look at everything that I eat in terms of "how is that good for me?" rather than "I shouldn't be eating that." And I will get better. I have to. This is the gift that I was given, and my approach for the last 40 years isn't working. Obviously.

Guilt doesn't work. Neither does hatred, or anger, or loathing, or disgust. It's time for a little respect and forgiveness. And patience. Lots and lots of patience.

Dude!

I have several pairs of pants that have been quite tight recently. So tight, in fact, that I wasn't able to button them and breathe.

Now, they button. There is even a little wiggle room. Who'd a thunk it?

Move that Booty

Sooooooo tired. But, it's a good tired (even though I only had two hours of sleep last night).

I have been sleeping at every opportunity, but in a good way. If you can call sleeping all day "in a good way." Job # 1 has been incredibly busy, between the holidays and all of the restocking afterward. I haven't been to Job #2, but will go back on Sunday. It feels so good to be doing brainless work.

No, that's not true. It's not brainless, because much of the work that I've been doing at Job #1 has required forethought and planning. And merchandising vision. Can't forget the vision. But, as most of the planning is done for me, I don't have to think too hard. It's kind of nice. It sure beats the hell out of being stuck at the cash register all day.

Now, I just have to learn how to sleep again. Last night was particularly rough because H was thrashing about. I ended up leaving our room and camping out in one of the spare rooms. It was bad enough that both cats defected with me. I would like to go to sleep now but it is a little too early. I do have my pajamas on, though.

Spandex

I bought some new yoga clothes over the weekend. They consist of shorter pants and sleeveless tanks, all made out of the spandex sweat-wicking stuff. I've never bought athletic clothes like this before. Hell, I've never bought athletic clothes.

After much fear and trepidation, I put some on this morning in preparation for the yoga class that I MUST GO TO IN HALF AN HOUR. Oddly, they didn't look too terrible. They actually look better than the oversized t-shirt that I usually wear. I don't get it.

Ow.

Love hurts. It hurts my arms, my legs, my knees, my feet...

In spite of all of the pain, I am going to make a valiant effort to go to Body Elegance tonight. I must do it. Not optional.

Namaste

It's quite well known that I am a very lazy person. The thought of exercise is enough to make me surly. I get nasty if I break a sweat. But, I am in love.

M talked me into going to Groupfit with her last night. It's new here in town, and offers all kinds of classes from Pilates to Spin to Yoga to circuit training. I was skeptical, but I went to a class last night. It was grueling and hot and very sweaty, but I was smitten. One year's membership paid in full later, and I was back in class for Yoga this morning. It blew. Me. Away. Where has this been all of my life?

I have signed up for another Body Elegance class tomorrow night and Yoga again on Friday with M. Who ever would have thunk it?

After I signed my life away last night, M and her friend R and I went to have a celebratory beer. This leopard certainly isn't going to change her spots any time soon.