...and You're Out

D's father died yesterday.

G's house was completely demolished by a tornado last Friday.

Mom lost her job today. She had been there for over 20 years.

And, last but certainly not least, Ike-a-saurus is back in the hospital yet again.

Actually, that makes four strikes, doesn't it?

I am vacillating between being sad and furious and confused. What in the hell is going on? I can't remember such a lousy 24 hours with such horrible news since my father died. I'm afraid to answer my phone.

Suck it, universe.

Slipping

I'm afraid that the gator is back. I'm starting to see little ripples in the water. Not sure if it's a strong breeze or if there is something lurking under the surface.

I've been so tired and not sleeping well at all. I don't think the problem is physical. I've been eating much better, getting more exercise, not drinking as much or as often, and not taking a lot of sleeping meds. In other words, I've been doing everything right. I can't seem to sleep, though. I lie awake for hours, tossing and turning, and eventually crash between 3 and 4. My mind just races. When it's not racing, I'm exhausted but can't sleep anyway.

H has been weaning himself off of some meds, and is in need of more Remicade, so he hasn't been sleeping either. That doesn't help.

So, what's going on? I'm always tired. I've been very short lately. I spend all of my spare time sleeping (or laying around in my pajamas). Am I paranoid or just very busy and worn out?

The sad thing is that all is well. H is great, we're not completely stressed out, I have lots of social engagements, and work is good. The family is healthy. K is brilliant. Both cats are loving and snuggly. Where's the problem?

I think that it's between my ears.

Freak-Out-of-the-Day

I carded a kid (!) today that turned 21 a few days ago.

He was born in 1988.

I graduated from HIGH SCHOOL in 1988.

Move that Booty

Sooooooo tired. But, it's a good tired (even though I only had two hours of sleep last night).

I have been sleeping at every opportunity, but in a good way. If you can call sleeping all day "in a good way." Job # 1 has been incredibly busy, between the holidays and all of the restocking afterward. I haven't been to Job #2, but will go back on Sunday. It feels so good to be doing brainless work.

No, that's not true. It's not brainless, because much of the work that I've been doing at Job #1 has required forethought and planning. And merchandising vision. Can't forget the vision. But, as most of the planning is done for me, I don't have to think too hard. It's kind of nice. It sure beats the hell out of being stuck at the cash register all day.

Now, I just have to learn how to sleep again. Last night was particularly rough because H was thrashing about. I ended up leaving our room and camping out in one of the spare rooms. It was bad enough that both cats defected with me. I would like to go to sleep now but it is a little too early. I do have my pajamas on, though.

Grateful

Thank God 2008 is almost over. Only 24 hours and 10 minutes to go!

Quote of the Day

"After all the misery and the f*cking bulllsh*t, is that all there is?"

-Tony Soprano

Word.

Stormy Weather Coming

It looks like it could be very rainy in not the too-distant future.

That sounds about right.

Another Weekend Down the Tubes

This gator is pretty persistent. I worked from 10-4 at job #2 yesterday, and didn't take a nap as soon as I got home. I still didn't sleep last night. Today, of course, I crashed all day. Hopefully, I won't have trouble sleeping tonight. I didn't sleep a bit on Thursday night, either. I have had hardly anything to drink, but I did meditate both nights right before bed. I wonder if that revved up my mind?

Great. I finally get off my butt in an honest attempt to do something to improve my life and it backfires. That figures.

Slipping

I feel like I'm starting to fall apart a little. It's so easy to nap and lay around and not do much. My entire body aches horribly, and I can't help but think that it's because I haven't gone to exercise. Yes, it's been very busy with work, but I can force myself to go. I'm just not good at forcing myself to do anything. I have also felt very blue. I haven't been as good as I should be with my medication, but it's only been for the last week.

E's visit was good, but I'm glad that it's over. It was pretty stressful, even though I went out of my way to be as laid back as I could be.

Mood Swings

Not really "mood swings" in the truest sense, I suppose. Mostly, they've just been down.

• I cried yet again when Laura Wilkinson made her last dive. I've loved watching her for years, and I'm so proud. She ended on a great note. And then, that damned Coke commercial with "Breathe Me" came on right after. I couldn't help it.
  
• Leroy Sievers died last Friday. He was a long-time producer for ABC and Nightline, but I got to "know" him through his My Cancer blog on NPR.com. God bless him. I feel like I've lost a dear friend, but I never actually met him.
  
• I'm still trying not to think too hard about my dad. God bless him as well.
  
• Another school shooting? This time it was in Knoxville, but thankfully it was only one kid that died. Unbelievable. Why are guns still allowed out in the general public? Oh, yeah. The Constitution. Whatever.
  
• I spent $200 at the grocery store today without even trying. So wrong.
  

Maybe I'll have another beer and just go to bed. Or, better yet, watch more shows about serial killers on Identification Discovery. I love that channel, but it's not exactly uplifting.

Utter destruction... and me in my bra

A few months ago, our closet imploded. We had lived in the house for just over 3 years at that point, and the shelves in the closet were typical crappy wire shelves stuck into the drywall. When we moved in, we shoved everything that we were too lazy to find a place for into the closet, and there it stayed. My blood pressure shot up just walking in to it. One Sunday afternoon, I heard a huge "WHOOOOOMP" and tried to open the door to no avail. Approximately 11 feet of wire shelves, packed to the gills with entirely too many clothes that don't fit and sweaters that are too warm for Tennessee hit the floor. Large chunks of drywall came out with them. The shelves were twisted beyond recognition.

So, what did I do? Me, who at one time wanted to be an ER doc because I think well on my feet? I melted down. Not just an "oh, mother fucker" meltdown, but a weeping and snarling and refusing to let H anywhere near me to help clean the pathetic mess up. My meltdown was fueled by the fact that H was about to go to church imminently. He offered to stay to help sort it all out (and, to his credit and my eternal gratitude, did stay) but I wanted him to be out of my house and my sight and not come back for a very long time until I figured it all out.

It goes without saying that I was off my meds at this point. No job + no desire to go to doctor + general feelings of "okay, just let me die now" = lunatic.

It took us about an hour to get all of the debris out of the closet and (somewhat) organized on the bed in one of the spare bedrooms. It took days to be able to speak to each other again.

Eventually, we went to Lowe's and bought new shelves. H had expressed doubt from the beginning, but I was determined that we would be able to put them up and that they would be just as strong and marvelous, if not more so, than the originals. I put them up when he was at work one day, and showed off my labors like a 5-year-old bringing home artwork for Mommy. He shook his head and humored me. We probably spent about $100.

Ever since then, I have held my breath every time that I walked into the closet. I knew that it was a matter of time before the tsunami hit again, but I had no idea that it would be so soon. This is where it gets weird, though. I keep my pajamas in my dresser, which is outside of the closet. Tonight, for whatever reason, I chose to change into my pajamas IN the closet, putting my dirty clothes directly into the hamper. I was able to get the bottoms on without incident, but all hell broke loose once I got my shirt off. One of the two shelves collapsed, and I screamed for help (wearing my bra and pajama bottoms). H came running, expecting bloodshed at the least, and was not at all surprised to see most of his clothes dangling by one or two drywall screws.

We put the clothes on the bed in the spare bedroom yet again, and then H vanished into the media room. I am sure that he was expecting another full meltdown. I went downstairs, poured myself a glass of wine, and started researching shelving units on line. All of the options suck.

1. We can buy more stupid wire shelves and count the minutes until they collapse.
2. We can buy some shelving units at Lowe's that we would have to assemble ourselves and would cost us probably $1000 by the time that we got everything that we needed.
3. We can call in the professionals.
   

We're opting for #3. I can't even imagine how much this will cost us. Thank God for home equity loans.

Eight Belles

Rest in peace, beautiful girl. What a horrific end to such an elegant race.

I am really upset by this. Even more upsetting is that we hear every day about people that violently all over the world and that rarely bothers me as much as this did. What is wrong with us that we are so desensitized by the death of humans? Is it that animals are innocent, and somehow humans deserve it? Or that there are so many horrible human deaths that we can't keep up with them?

Added on Tuesday the 6th:

The death count in Myanmar is over 200,000 from the cyclone over the weekend and they still won't cover it on the local news. Quelle surprise. But, they're still talking about the horse.

What's up with the Gator thing?

During an excellent scene in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Vivi tells Sidda not to venture too far out in the lake because the gators are out there and her friends won't be able to reach her. Kind of an awful thing to say to a 10-year-old, but it did get the point across neatly.

T (my best friend) and I joke about gators whenever we get depressed. She's not as afflicted by them as I am, but they are always lurking out in the lake. We always keep a sharp stick ready so that we can defend each other by poking one in the eye, but medication tends to help better.