On Being Fat

I have well-documented problems with my weight. I have never had a healthy body image, and I see exercise as torture. I don't move enough, I don't get my heart rate up enough, and I don't monitor my caloric intake closely enough. It's that simple.

As is my usual practice on a Sunday morning, I have spent a lot of time reading the New York Times online. I managed to get sucked into a very uncivil, and rather frightening, online discussion of whether or not obese people are responsible for the conditions of their bodies.

I'm going to sit firmly on the fence on this one. Normally, as someone that has pretty sharp opinions about everything, I wouldn't hesitate to jump in on one side or the other. But, I truly do see both sides of this one clearly. Yes, I would be much thinner, and much healthier, if I gave my body the respect that it deserves. It doesn't take a genius to understand that exercise + reduction in calories = weight loss. But, it is extremely difficult for me to follow those simple rules. Severe joint pain makes strenuous exercise miserable. Fresh and/or raw vegetables incite riot in my digestive tract. That is not to say that I don't get ANY exercise or that I ONLY eat bad things. That couldn't be farther from the truth. But, it makes an aggressive plan for weight loss very challenging.

The one thing that I am going to do, though, is to cut out alcohol as much as I possibly can. I will still taste wine at the store. I will still have a drink when we go out for dinner. But, I'm not going to buy any regularly. As much as I love a glass of wine or two in the evening, I absolutely do not need those calories.

And then I see photo features like this in the Chicago Tribune. Virtually everything here is fried and FRIGHTENING. My stomach was upset just looking at it.

But first, I have to start by loving myself and forgiving myself. That is always the hardest step.

Aaaaaaack!

Good thing: homemade salsa from Z.

Horrible thing: SPICY HOT homemade salsa from Z.

"Disappointed" doesn't even scratch the surface.

Eeeeeeew?

J brought home a durian.

I have heard about them for a long time, especially on the Travel Channel. Bourdain loves them. Zimmern thinks that they smell like death. They are banned on subways, airplanes, buses, and in hotels all over Southeast Asia I was terrified, but I wanted to try it.

He had it broken open and cut up by the time I got over to his driveway (as D sure as hell wasn't going to let him try it in the house). It looked gross... like big, off-white maggots with pink tips. D was already bemoaning the smell in the kitchen. But, I didn't smell a thing. I even stuck my face in the container to breathe deeply. Nothing.

Now, for the taste. D tried it and looked like she wanted to throw up. She said that all she tasted was onions and garlic. I tried it and got pineapple that had been marinated in onions and garlic. Very different reactions. When J opened it up, B said that it smelled like custard. I didn't really love it, but I could understand why people might. I did object to the texture, though. It was mushy and slightly stringy and just not pleasant. I had a hard time choking it down because of the texture, not because of the taste.

The dogs all had different reactions as well. Ginger, Cleo and Gus couldn't get enough of it. They were practically knocking J over to get to it. Emma, however, wouldn't go near it.

When I came back in the house, I asked H if he could smell it on me at all, and he said no. While the aftertaste did go on for a while, it wasn't unbearable. Of course, I was swigging Merlot out of dread of the aftertaste, so that might have helped.

All in all, it was interesting. I would be very interested to try one again to see if I have the same reaction.

Experiments with Food

D called yesterday to tell me that J had brought a Buddha's Hand home from Krogzilla. Neither of us had any idea what to do with it, but she had read online that it's great for infusing in vodka.

Right up my alley, no?

I know that Hangar One makes a Buddha's Hand vodka, but I haven't tried it yet. The Buddha's Hand is citron, and is incredibly unfortunate looking. So unfortunate, in fact, that J likes to freak D out by waving it at her. So, we decided to infuse some vodka with it.

From all reports, it will take a month for it to steep. I bought some decent yet inexpensive French grape vodka to use in the steeping. We both have bottles ready to go.

The interesting thing about Buddha's Hand is, unlike many other citrus fruits, the pith (white part) is not bitter. In fact, none of it is bitter. We just have no idea what to do with it. So, in addition to making our two bottles of infusions, we:

• Put some in Kosher salt a la preserved Moroccan lemons.
• Put a little bit in sugar for her kids to snack on. Seriously yummy.
• Put a baggie of roughly chopped stuff in the freezer to see how it holds up.
• Minced some to put in a mini crock pot to use as potpourri.
• Put mainly the piths in baggies to throw in the garbage disposal to freshen the kitchen.
  

Reportedly, you can make candy out of it, but we haven't delved that far yet. I'm seriously thinking about buying beautiful bottles at Pier 1 and making bottles of the vodka infusion for Christmas gifts.

More to follow. We won't be able to drink it for a month. I'm not a huge fan of vodka, but this is entirely too cool to pass up.

Yummy Smells

Today, I cook. I cook a whole lot. Fortunately, none of it is very time consuming or difficult. But, it's a whole heck of a lot of food.

We're meeting for the Once a Month Cooking next Saturday at K's, and I am bringing Pasta Sauce and Tortilla Soup. The Pasta Sauce is the same stuff that I always make, and the Tortilla Soup recipe is J's. Last week, J brought over two rotisserie chickens that I pulled apart and stuck in quart bags in the freezer. One portion of the chicken is in the soup right now. The soup is in the crock pot and will bubble bubble bubble along for the rest of the day until I put it in the serving bags.

The sauce is a little more laborious, but still fabulous. The onions, garlic, and meat are browning now (sausage, hamburger, pork, veal) and I'll add tomatoes, herbs, and wine to it shortly. It will need all day to reduce.

I've been craving Chicken Marsala lately, and will make some for dinner tonight. I'm also going to make extra so that I can freeze it.

It is a lot of work, but not in that it takes a long time to prepare. It just takes a long time to cook. Preparing it to cook is actually pretty quick. And, you do have to have all of the ingredients. That is always my catch.

Nut

Not sure why I haven't talked about the trip to the Nutritionist last week. I guess that it's because I've been really busy and it wasn't as traumatic as I had expected.

It turns out that I'm not as inept as I had expected. I'm not eating the wrong things at all, but I am eating them at the wrong times and with not enough frequency. I need to eat 5-6 small meals or snacks every day. And, I need to stick to as low residue of a diet as I can. The funny thing about that is a low-res diet rules out so many things that are considered healthier... like whole grain bread and broccoli. But, I've always had problems with things like that. So be it.

The most important thing, besides giving my body lots and lots of wonderful nutrients, is to get my metabolism fired up.

I've been working hard to drink lots and lots of water and to bring nutritious snacks with me wherever I go. I've also been putting snacks in tiny snack bags so that I don't eat tons of stuff all at once. We'll see what happens.

Dietary Dilemmas Update

So, I got brave and called my GI's office today for a referral to a nutritionist. C, the nurse that I always talk to and just adore, gave me a number for a dietary clinic at Vanderbilt. I called during lunch and got an appointment for 8:30 on Monday. Monday! Holy smokes! I really need to do it before I chicken out.

I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. I need the guidance and it will only be good for me. And, since Dr. L's nurse recommended them, I'm sure that they'll be fabulous. Help is good.

Dietary Dilemmas

I really need to clean up my act.

Let me clarify. It's not that what I eat is all that terrible. But, I eat the wrong things for my body.

Red meat causes my body to freak out. I'll spare you the gory details, but I can't handle it. Even simple hamburgers just about kill me. And, I don't process raw vegetables that well either. So much for green, leafy salads every day.

I need to eat more protein, because that makes me feel the best. J's Tortilla Soup recipe is cheap, damn good, and makes me feel wonderful because it's full of meat and beans. Peanut butter also works. Cheese is great. Carbs, on the other hand, make me feel incredibly sluggish but that's what I tend to eat because they don't cause any other problems.

I should ask D about her nutritionist. D is incredibly healthy and must be horrified by what she sees here. It's not as much about losing weight as it is about not feeling horrendous any more.

The Best of Intentions

I found an amazing recipe in the NYT for a potato gratin with leeks and Gruyere. I bought all of the ingredients, and then promptly forgot about it.

The leeks got rotten quickly and I threw them out. They're root vegetables! They're not supposed to rot!

I'm eating the Gruyere now with a glass of Magellan Gin. I'm not sure that it's the ideal pairing, but I love it.

Now, I have to figure out what to do with the ton and a half of potatoes.

Yuck

For what it's worth, I can live without dirty gin martinis. Dirty vodka martinis are slightly better, but not much.

I'd rather eat the olives by themselves.

Stocking the Freezer

Pork Tenderloins were on sale at Publix. I bought three of them, split them in half, prepared a marinade of apple butter, apple cider with brandy, and spices, and threw the six baggies in the freezer.

H's mom was kind enough to send us more stuff from Omaha Steaks.

And, when I have felt like cooking, I've made extra large batches so I can freeze some of it right away. There is one more container of Greek Cinnamon Chicken in there ready to go.

It's tiring to think about, but at least we'll have good stuff to eat even when I'm working 60 hour weeks. I need to get the crock pot fired up as well.

Divine Dinner

I just had the most wonderful dinner that I've had in a long time. It was seared diver scallops with pureed sweet potatoes. I'm not normally a fan of sweet potatoes, but these were creamy and not overly buttery with a hint of cinnamon and nutmeg. A glass (or two) of La Crema Chardonnay worked perfectly with it.

I want to curl up in a little ball and purr for a while, but I have to pack both of us up to go home. And, as H is a champion souvenir shopper, it will be no small task. I may make him go get me a beer before this is over.

I don't want to leave Colorado Springs. I really love it here. But, I miss the girls, and we both do need to work. Bully for us.

Breakfast of Champions

I don't eat breakfast normally. I'm never hungry until about 10 at the earliest, and eating much before then makes me nauseous. So, the fact that I ate breakfast food before noon as intended is a pretty big deal for me.

I'm completely in love with the new Special K Cinnamon Pecan cereal. It's probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but I can live with that. At least I ate something! Now for some more cherries. Mmmmmm.

Grocery Shopping

I loathe grocery shopping. It's always so expensive, especially now, and the stores are too huge. Main reasons:

1. I'm not good at clipping coupons. I try, but invariably forget to bring them. Or, I don't have enough time to go through the ones that I have thoroughly.
2. I always forget something that is actually written on the list, or forget to put something essential on the list. Yes, even if it's on the list, I'll pass it up.
   
3. I always forget to bring the reusable bags that are in the trunk of my car. Now I have 7 of them and I think that I've reused them once.
   
4. I'm not interested enough to actually shop. I only go in to get what I'm looking for, and never look at the shelves to see what is new. So, I always miss something cool.
5. If H comes with me, and I try not to let this happen, he throws all kinds of scary things in the cart that I don't even notice until the cashier is scanning it. Although, tonight he was pretty well behaved. And, he argues about coupons.
   
6. Kroger is the WORST. The store is dark, filthy, poorly stocked, and even more poorly managed. But, we can get 10 cents off per gallon of gas if we spend $100 in a month. We've gone there for the last few months, but I'm sick to death of it and we went back to Publix anyway.
7. See? Dammit. I just realized that I forgot to buy a chunk of cheese, even though I was in the cheese aisle for 5 minutes. Crap.
   

When I first got sick and was living with my mom, I used to pass out in the grocery store. I don't know if it was all the walking around or the stress of being surrounded by so much food, but it always did me in. I'd last for about 5 minutes and have to go wait in the car... even if it was only 5 degrees out. She was just so worried that I wasn't eating that she would buy anything that she thought would tempt me. Interesting, but that hasn't changed much.

Now, I hate going to the grocery store unless I have a buzz. H and I went to Applebee's first. Two beers and a salad later and I tolerated it pretty well. Plus, it only took about half an hour. I'm having Magellan gin on the rocks now to recover from the trauma.