Aaaaaaack!

Good thing: homemade salsa from Z.

Horrible thing: SPICY HOT homemade salsa from Z.

"Disappointed" doesn't even scratch the surface.

'Roid Rage

Even though I'm tapering down now, and never did take more than 20 mg/day of prednisone, my face is square again and I have lost my chin.

Prednisone is truly a nightmare.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I find absolutely nothing funny about Garry Shandling, Jerry Seinfeld, or Larry David. I think they're all abominably rude.

Five for Friday

It's been a long time, but I have much to be thankful for.

Things that make me happy:

1. Bourbon.
   
2. Cold, wet cat noses.
3. Crunchy toffee.
4. Cooler weather.
   
5. Getting out the Fall decorations.
   

I am not allowing anything to make me unhappy at this moment. I've had enough of that in the last 24 hours.

On Illness

I have been living with Crohn's Disease since 1995. Most of the time it is just an annoyance. This summer, however, I have been under siege. I've been sicker than I have been in the last 10 years, and I'm just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Chronic illness is an interesting thing. It's easy to be obsessed with it, and spend all of your time and energy meditating on the ways that your body is betraying you. Or, you can stick your head in the sand and just deal with the day-to-day annoyances (which is my specialty).

One of the ways that I have stuck my head in the sand for all this time is to think that I don't REALLY have Crohn's. Perhaps I just have IBS. Or, perhaps I just eat the wrong things. Or, I'm just lazy and fat and that's why I'm always exhausted and in pain. Plus, I don't fit the profile of the normal Crohn's patient: in other words, rail-thin. I can have a terrible, 3-month flare like I am now and barely lose any weight at all. And, that's even with not eating much.

It is finally beginning to sink into my thick skull that I am Not Well.

I had an appointment with a Colo-Rectal surgeon yesterday. It went well, all things considered, and I am going to have at least one Seton drain installed on 11/2. I say "at least one" because it turns out that I have two fistulas right next to each other. I thought that it was just one big one. Double the fun! And, I am most likely going to give Remicade another shot to see if we can keep the fistulas from coming back in other places. Being hooked up to an IV for 3 hours every 8 weeks isn't something that I can ignore, nor can I ignore the unfortunate placement of two drains.

These last months have been a nightmare. I started feeling lousy in July, and chalked it up to the heat and stress. August and September were almost completely lost to me. All I did was go to work (and poorly, might I add) and sleep. I simply couldn't function. No laundry, no cooking, no cleaning, no reading, nothing. H has been an angel and has taken excellent care of me even when I was incredibly difficult. He has been more stymied by this than I have, because while he has the same disease, it manifests itself completely differently in both of us. He has watched over me and loved me and held us together when I couldn't.

I need to count my blessings every day that we have great insurance. I also need to be grateful that we have access to some of the best medical care in the country and these intelligent, devoted people are working hard to help me function. H and I joke often that if we had been born early in the 20th century we would probably both be dead by now. Sad, but true.

So, if you are ever in need, go to Vanderbilt and get the team of Dr. Christopher Lind, Dr. Roberta Muldoon, and Dr. Nanette Dendy on your side. They will listen to you and respect you and do everything that they can to fix you. And, they will fix me. God willing.

And, as one last thought on this, Every American deserves the same level of care that we receive. H and I are incredibly lucky in that he works for the State and the insurance is some of the best in the country. But, we would be in extraordinarily bad shape, or homeless, if we didn't have the insurance. My heart breaks for anyone that has to even think about how they will pay for medical care. End of political rant.

On Going Gray

Yes, it's been a while. More on that at another time.

At the age of 39, I am letting my hair grow in gray.

I know that women have been doing this for millennia, and bestselling books have been written about it, but it's a big deal for me. I've thought about it for years, and have finally decided that I don't have the patience or the vanity to mess with hair color any more. I hate it. I hate having it done and I hate doing it myself even more. I hate being pulled through caps. I hate foil. I hate that the smell makes me throw up. I hate the time that it takes. I hate the expense. But most of all, I hate that I have to justify why I'm letting my hair grow in gray at the age of 39. So, it stops here.

I've been getting gray hairs (silver, actually) since I was in high school. I colored and/or highlighted my hair because my natural color is Mouse Brown and I've always wanted to be Blonde, Brunette, or Golden Retriever. I told myself that it was something that women do all of the time, and that it is a rite of passage. I tried to believe that it was part of being pampered and well-tended. I could barely stand to make the appointments to get it done, even when I worked immediately next door to my hair salon.

I see women every day that obviously spend an enormous amount of time and money on their hair. Southern women in particular are very invested in the entire "beauty" process, and we hear of even the littlest girls getting their nails done regularly. I have certainly never fallen into that high maintenance bucket, nor do I want to. Any regimen that takes me more than half an hour to complete in the morning is way too much for me. It's simply not who I am. But, I don't want to be seen as a frumpy slob, either.

The compromise that I'm going to make with myself is that I am going to continue to take excellent care of my complexion and let the gray grow out. I have beautiful skin, without any sign of wrinkles. I have finally found a regimen that I love, even though it's not cheap. And, if it really freaks me out when my hair completely grows in gray, I can always go back to color. I will work hard not to let that happen.

Update

On May 5, I posted that there were some really tall things growing in my butterfly bushes. Turns out that they were not weeds at all, but was new growth. Super growth, to be exact. The damn things are taller than I am and are blooming like crazy. I'm making a mental note to slash them back in a big way in the fall. I don't want them to take over my house.

Random Thoughts

J is coming for an entire week at the end of July. That will give me enough time to research interesting and nutritious recipes. Don't get me started on cleaning the house.

I'm going to go to the pool in a little while, as soon as I get a good handle on the six million loads of laundry.

Coldplay just gets better and better and better in concert.

I wish that H would feel better, but that won't happen until he gets his meds.

Three (actually, make that FOUR) days off in a row this week. What to do?

I hate this Sony Vaio. The N sticks and it's slow to boot up. J (another J) won't be home to fix the MacBook for another two weeks. I'll offer it up to God.

All Right, Then

Three pounds down after one week on Weight Watchers. Good way to start, no?

Five for Friday

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Bad me.

Things that make me happy:

1. Yogurt with Grape Nuts.
2. Wonderful meals from our Once-A-Month cooking.
3. Getting the hours that I need, even if it's not every week.
   
4. Going to the pool.
5. The enormous butterfly bushes in our back yard.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Finding out exactly how bad my eating habits really are.
2. Learning if I'm really hungry or if I just want to eat for the sake of eating.
3. We'll have to scrub the house from top to bottom in advance of J's visit.
4. Needing to shave my legs.
   
5. Hair balls.
   

Forgiveness

I need to learn how to take care of myself.

I have always hated my body. Even when I was in High School and wore a size 8 (at 5'8"!), I was convinced that I was fat and refused to wear shorts. Exercise has always been a dirty word. I have always treated my body like the enemy, especially when I got so sick and my body went into full rebellion.

Because I don't understand having a healthy respect for one's body, I tend to regard people that do take care of themselves with mixed awe and suspicion. Are they so self-absorbed that they spend so much time worshiping their bodies? Do they neglect their families so that they can go to the gym? Do they make martyrs of themselves with their restrictive diets? That couldn't be farther from the truth. People that exercise and eat carefully understand what I do not.

This is the only body that we have. It was given to us for our use while we're here. Our lives will be much easier if we take care of it. Taking care means exercise and eating well and getting proper amounts of rest. It's that simple. And, if that means that we are self-absorbed, so be it. Maybe we need to be. Maybe I need to be.

So, the day of reckoning has come. I am going to enroll in Weight Watchers Online again. I will start moving... not sure what will work best yet, but I'll figure it out. And, I am going to forgive myself. I'm a good person trapped in a bad body that I have neglected and abused and beaten up to the point that it is starting to push back. I will look at everything that I eat in terms of "how is that good for me?" rather than "I shouldn't be eating that." And I will get better. I have to. This is the gift that I was given, and my approach for the last 40 years isn't working. Obviously.

Guilt doesn't work. Neither does hatred, or anger, or loathing, or disgust. It's time for a little respect and forgiveness. And patience. Lots and lots of patience.

Subversive Thought of the Day

When did Jimmy Fallon get cute? Isn't he supposed to be fat?

Subversive Thought of the Day

I don't like monkeys. I think they're creepy.

Things That Make Me Feel Stupid

I'm not stupid. I'm really not. I'm actually quite intelligent. However, there are always some things that make me feel like a complete moron. Here's a short list:

• Going to the car dealership for maintenance. Even if it's regular maintenance, and I need to have it done, I still hate it. This actually applies to anything having to do with the car.
  
• Looking at my checking account balance.
  
• Watching Lost.
  
• Listening to H talk about religion.
  
• Not understanding why I can't upload profile pictures onto Twitter.
  
• Any math beyond counting to 10.
• Customers asking questions about tequila. I hate tequila!
  

On the other hand, there are some things that I understand very well that many people don't. Done efficiently, these things always make me look like a genius.

• How to pack efficiently for a trip.
• How to plan for and throw a party.

I'm not completely inept.

Sorry.

I just don't have anything to say. Perhaps I'll be inspired by something over the next few days.

Model of Efficiency

Believe it or not, I got up and out of the house before 10 on my day off. Holy jeebus! Here's where I went:

1. Home Depot
2. PetSmart
3. Hair cut
4. Swanky's for fish tacos
   
5. Office Depot
6. Bed Bath & Beyond
7. Krogzilla

Even more incredible is the fact that I came in $15 under budget for the day and only bought two things that weren't on my list. And, I was home with the groceries put away before 2!

I'm worn out. I need a nap now.

The Best Teacher

I could not have asked for a more wonderful, loving, supportive Mom. It's impossible to encapsulate everything that she has taught me into a few short sentences, but let's try to recap some of it.

1. Everyone that comes into your home is a treasured guest, and deserves to be treated accordingly. Do everything that you can to make them feel welcome and comfortable, and feed them within an inch of their lives. This applies to not only humans but any furry creature that ventures into the yard.
   
2. Use the good china. What's the point of having it if you never use it? It can always be replaced if broken.
   
3. Need to get something done? Figure it out. Use your head, and if necessary, power tools.
4. There is always room in the yard for another tree.
5. Lawn-mowing is therapeutic (although, I have my doubts about this).
6. If you're going to plant something, make sure that it's ornamental or edible or both. And, most importantly, make sure that the colors are consistent. Nothing red or yellow is ever allowed.
   
7. Be a rock. Never give anyone that you love reason to doubt that you are not completely devoted to them and that you wouldn't move heaven and earth for them.
   

I love you so much, Mom. You are an amazing woman, with the strength of countless more.

Media Blackout

I have been at home all day and have not turned the TV on.

I have a love/hate affair with TV. I would never go without one. But, so much of the stuff that is on is crap. Actually, the great majority of it is crap. When it's on, it is usually on CNN for background noise.

I have never followed many shows. I have my guilty pleasures (like Biggest Loser) and heavy dramas (like The Tudors, Sons of Anarchy, Sopranos). I never have more than 2 or 3 shows per season that I watch. It's just not my thing. But, I do get obsessed with the ones that I do invest the time in (like Battlestar Galactica). I have never been into sitcoms. Ever. I have watched some of Arrested Development on Hulu, and it's great, but I don't seek it out. I should probably watch 30 Rock, but I can't pull the trigger. I am just not into comedies. It might be different if I had a sense of humor.

Today, I decided not to turn it on. There's no reason for it. And, it has been pleasantly silent until The Lawn Guy showed up.

Such a rebel I am.

Uh Oh

There are some things growing in my butterfly bushes. My first thought is that they are weeds, but I'm not so sure. The leaves look very similar, but are bigger. I'm afraid to yank them out because I don't want to kill off any new growth, but I don't want them to take over the bushes.

I should take pictures and send them to Mom. She'd know what to do.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Eight, count 'em, EIGHT new trees in the back yard, including seven teeny tiny new maples.
   
2. Rain, rain, rain.
3. Naps while it rains.
   
4. The smell of rain.
5. Not having to water anything because of all of the rain. See a theme here?
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. All of this freaking paranoia about H1N1. Give me a break. Although, the tweets from Mother Abigail and Randall Flagg are hilarious.
2. Being incredibly, dreadfully tired.
3. Having to renew license plates. Just one more thing to pay for.
   
4. People that believe that you aren't a family unless you have children. I'll save that for another rant sometime.
   
5. Neck pain. What is going on here? I'm completely falling apart.
   

Coming Around

I got through the entire day without taking Tylenol, falling down, or needing a nap. Progress is being made. I was very nearly a disaster at the store, though, as it took me forever to do anything and I tripped over two different boxes. The scariest part of the almost-tripping is that my heart rate skyrocketed. I was truly terrified of falling. Of breaking wine bottles, not so much.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I understand that there are a great many people that would be in jeopardy if a virulent strain of Swine Flu... H and me with our compromised immune systems included. But, doesn't this seem to be a tempest in a teapot up to this point?

It seems like an awfully slow news cycle for everyone to be fussing over this. I hope that I'm not wrong about it.

Wash your freaking hands! Don't pick your nose! Don't sneeze on anyone! Good grief. Use your damn common sense.

Lost and Not Yet Found

This whole head trauma thing has freaked me out more than a little.

I am an incredibly clumsy person. There is truly not a graceful cell in my body. I am always having small but humorous disasters. Yesterday, though, I outdid even myself.

We did our Once-a-Month Cooking thing yesterday at our house. It went well, and was only moderately chaotic, until we realized that we were short one pork chop. One lonely, stinkin' pork chop. So, because I have a freezer full of goodies from Omaha Steaks, I crouched down in front of the freezer to dig around and find that one lonely, stinkin' pork chop. In the process, I lost my balance, fell backwards, and hit my head on the counter on our center island. Hard.

I didn't lose consciousness, thank God. But, my vision did black out and I could only see peripherally for what felt like forever. During the blackout, I did see someone rushing at me at the speed of light. When I finally came around fully, I realized that it was K. I didn't have any pain initially, but the headache increased as the knot on the back of my head grew.

At first, I didn't feel so terrible. But, as time elapsed, I started to feel as though I was drunk and underwater. Everything was moving slowly, and I felt very slurry. I also couldn't remember anything from minute to minute. The girls got the kitchen cleaned up, they went home, and I dragged myself upstairs to discuss with H and Mom. J came over after D told him what happened, and he reminded me that his mother died of a similar injury. Point taken.

We decided to go to the ER. A few hours later, after a CT scan, we learned that everything was okay. I did not have a concussion, as I never lost consciousness, but I did have some pretty solid head trauma. And, my brain had gotten a bit of a stir and I was certainly going to feel the effects for a few days. I didn't really put together how much of a stir that I had until I got to work tonight.

I had trouble making change. I put things in the wrong places. I couldn't bend over to straighten a shelf without my head throbbing. I couldn't finish sentences. In fact, I still can't even typing this now. I have already had to start over countless times because I can't remember what I meant to say. S said that I had a "puppy" look about me tonight. Normally, my look is serious and determined and I simply wasn't all there. I would find myself zoning out and a few of our regulars called me on it.

I cannot imagine what it would feel like to be like this all of the time. I am certainly not the smartest person in the world, but I am sharp. I don't miss much and am very well spoken. But, for the next little while until my brain settles down, I am not well spoken and can't remember what I did 10 minutes ago. What of people that have injuries like this that are permanent? There are thousands of soldiers coming back from Iraq with brain injuries that will never heal. I'll bet that they have trouble finishing sentences as well.

I'll be fine, but I will always be terrified that this will happen again. Unfortunately, because I am a colossal clod, odds are against me. I will not argue about going to the ER next time.

Overheard at Krogzilla

"These are cute."

"Yep."

"Would you like one?"

"No, thanks. I have way too many as it is."

"I'll get one for you if you would like. I should also get one for Mom and one for P for Mother's Day."

"Maybe I should get one for YOU for Mother's Day."

"You don't have to do that."

"No, but I want to."

"Are you sure that you don't want one?"

"Thanks, but I'm fine. Which one do you want?"

"Oh, I don't know..."

"Okay. One of each."

"Oh, no. Don't do that."

And the cycle continues. Don't tell me that you don't have the same conversation with your mother every time that you go shopping anywhere.

Eeeeeeew?

J brought home a durian.

I have heard about them for a long time, especially on the Travel Channel. Bourdain loves them. Zimmern thinks that they smell like death. They are banned on subways, airplanes, buses, and in hotels all over Southeast Asia I was terrified, but I wanted to try it.

He had it broken open and cut up by the time I got over to his driveway (as D sure as hell wasn't going to let him try it in the house). It looked gross... like big, off-white maggots with pink tips. D was already bemoaning the smell in the kitchen. But, I didn't smell a thing. I even stuck my face in the container to breathe deeply. Nothing.

Now, for the taste. D tried it and looked like she wanted to throw up. She said that all she tasted was onions and garlic. I tried it and got pineapple that had been marinated in onions and garlic. Very different reactions. When J opened it up, B said that it smelled like custard. I didn't really love it, but I could understand why people might. I did object to the texture, though. It was mushy and slightly stringy and just not pleasant. I had a hard time choking it down because of the texture, not because of the taste.

The dogs all had different reactions as well. Ginger, Cleo and Gus couldn't get enough of it. They were practically knocking J over to get to it. Emma, however, wouldn't go near it.

When I came back in the house, I asked H if he could smell it on me at all, and he said no. While the aftertaste did go on for a while, it wasn't unbearable. Of course, I was swigging Merlot out of dread of the aftertaste, so that might have helped.

All in all, it was interesting. I would be very interested to try one again to see if I have the same reaction.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Annie. She's been very attentive and affectionate lately. She hasn't left my side all day so far.
2. Peonies that are about to explode in a mass of color.
3. Mom is coming tomorrow!
4. Planning to see D in a few weeks.
5. Getting a lot done around the house. Yay, normalcy!
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Bills, bills everywhere.
2. Jacking up my back moving around cases of cheap wine.
   
3. The overwhelming amount of yard work that needs to be done (but some will be alleviated by #3 above).
4. Killing things unintentionally. Poor basil sprouts. I'm so inept.
   
5. Being lied to. I should be amused that I know the truth behind the lie, but it still irritates me to be lied to.
   

Boy, I Suck

I didn't mean to do it.

I thought that I was doing everything right. I planted the little basil sprouts in a pot with good, fresh potting soil. I watered, fertilized, talked to, loved. Then, I put the pot outside with the other herbs so that the sprouts could get fresh air and sunshine.

I was completely mistaken.

They're not completely dead yet, although they look very rough. At least they're not crispy. I brought the pot inside so that I can continue to water, fertilize, talk to, love. Perhaps Mom will have some words of wisdom when she gets here tomorrow. I hope.

Update at 11:28: Oh, it's dead. It's DED dead. Now it's starting to get crispy. I feel terrible. I doubt that even Mom will be able to resurrect this one. Let's hope that K doesn't ask about it on Sunday.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I wholeheartedly approve of using florescent light bulbs. I have a lot of them in my own house. However, I refuse to throw out perfectly good light bulbs that rarely get used (like in the guest bath) to replace them with more environmentally correct ones. Being wasteful isn't green.

Pale Green

I just planted the rest of my flowers and herbs. Here's the updated list:

1. Two flat-leaved Italian parsley (one will probably go to D)
2. Sweet Basil
   
3. Oregano
4. Jalapeno peppers
5. some kind of Tomato
   
6. Basil seedlings from K
7. Cilantro (which will definitely not go to D)
8. Rosemary
   
9. Five different containers of petunias in varying shades of dark purple
10. Catnip (inside for the beasts)
11. a sticky-uppy plant to take to the store.
    

Except for the seedlings from K, they are all little plants. I am neither brave nor patient enough to start things from scratch. It looks as though she started them in an egg carton. They're adorable and I will try my best not to kill them.

The tomato and jalapeno are completely uncharted territory. The long-term plan is that I will become a tomato goddess and that next year I will grow lots of Roma tomatoes for canning. It would be incredible to make my own pasta sauce with my own tomatoes. K and D and I are going to work on canning this fall. Should be interesting. I also want to learn how to dry herbs, as I will most likely have a hell of a lot of them.

I put everything into containers, as I distrust my abilities. Or, perhaps I should say, I recognize my lack of abilities. This way, if they start getting crunchy, I can bring them all inside and ignore them more directly.

I meant to take pictures, but the battery on the camera is dead right now. I'll post them after I charge the stupid thing up. I'll also take pics of the blooming stuff in the yard. The clematis that I planted at the mailbox last year and ignored has gotten huge and is blooming. It's gorgeous and I can take absolutely no credit for it.

Earthy

I didn't even realize that today was Earth Day. I've intentionally kept myself in somewhat of a media black out, so it snuck up on me. But, why should we celebrate the Earth only once a year?

It's so simple.

• Recycle. Recycle something. Recycle anything.
  
• Plant. Put a pot of flowers for your front porch.
  
• Reuse. Get a travel cup instead of having to throw out a Starbucks cup every day.
• Light. Use florescent bulbs when you can.
  
• Switch. Turn the bloody lights off!
  

Okay. I'm done lecturing now. I should be happy that there is such a big discussion about Earth Day, and hopefully this means that some people will start reforming their ways as a result. Every little bit helps.

Inappropriate

I understand completely why women don't want to look older than they actually are. Given that I've been obsessed with eye wrinkles and concealer lately, I'm certainly not one to throw stones. However, I have noticed some women older than I am dressing like they are 16.

Here are some things that I swear that I will never do:

1. Wear flourescent nail polish, especially on toes. Orange is the worst. Orange with bunions is even more horrific.
2. Wear animal prints. I don't mean a simple scarf or a purse, but animal prints on everything. Purse. Wallet. Keychain. Shirt. Sandals. Eyeglass frames. I'm sure that they have a house full of that crap as well.
   
3. Show wrinkly cleavage. If you have it, flaunt it. Just look at it in the mirror before you leave the house, please. The only thing grosser than huge plastic boobs is huge plastic wrinkly ones with the wrinkly neck to match.
   
4. Wear rhinestones. Enough. Not everything has to be sparkly. Sadly, when everything sparkles, it draws attention to things that might be best not seen (see wrinkly cleavage).
   
5. Wear skin tight shirts with weird prints and text in foreign languages. Not unlike getting a tattoo in Chinese text and not really understanding what it means. Invariably, those same ugly shirts are covered in rhinestones.
   

This doesn't mean that every woman should be outfitted by Talbot's or LL Bean. Actually, perhaps they should. Blech.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Peonies that apparently grew out of nowhere and are going to bloom soon.
2. Heidi Collins. I want to look like Heidi Collins. Totally my girl crush.
3. H's foot appears to be healing nicely. X-ray today.
   
4. Cookie is starting to come out more, and took a nap with me yesterday.
5. Susan Boyle. She has the voice of an angel.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Not being able to help family and friends that are so upset.
2. Digital cable that still isn't working properly.
3. Regular discussions about cash flow.
4. Constant headaches/allergies/sinus crap. I guess that's the price we pay for flowers.
   
5. Missing my dad so much.

Wine of the Day

Les Charmes chardonnay. French, lightly oaked, lots of minerality. I'm not a huge fan of chardonnay, especially oaky chardonnay, but this is okay. I prefer more fruit in my wine. This is nice and light, though.

Thumbs up.

Favorite Smells

I just got a blast of one, so I thought that it would be fun to list more.

1. Nilla Wafers just after you open the foil bag.
   
2. H.
3. Jo Malone Orange Blossom perfume.
   
4. Anything that has been in the crock pot all day.
5. Warm cat.
   
6. Campfires.
   
7. Windex (especially when someone else has used it).
8. Earth after the rain.
   
9. Fresh herbs... really doesn't matter which one.
   
10. Lilacs.
    

Circles

It occurred to me yesterday that I need a good under eye concealer. I was looking at myself in the mirror at the store, and I looked OLD. I'm sure that the florescent lights didn't help, but it made me anxious.

I really don't have any wrinkles to speak of, and am very careful about using good eye moisturizers every single day. But, I could use a little brightening. I had a roommate in college that had huge black circles under her eyes even after a solid night of sleep. Granted, I didn't see her very often in the morning because she was a slut and shacked a lot. I'm sure that she scared lots of fraternity boys.

Ah, vanity.

Aaaaaachoooooo

I never really had allergies until I moved to Tennessee. The only problem I had was that I was not able to breathe around horses.

Now that we've been here for almost five years, I just have to accept the fact that I Have Allergies. I've been laboring under the delusion that I have just had various colds. I rarely wear a coat and I have a tendency to leave a bedroom window open even when it's 40.

Most of the time, it's not an issue. Every once in a while, though, my sinuses go crazy. I have all kinds of tolerance for pain, but sinus pain turns me into a screaming bitch. I bought a neti pot, and that seems to help, but it still sneaks up on me once in a while. I just don't want to get into the habit of taking more pills on a regular basis.

I'm sure that all of the cat fur doesn't help.

...and You're Out

D's father died yesterday.

G's house was completely demolished by a tornado last Friday.

Mom lost her job today. She had been there for over 20 years.

And, last but certainly not least, Ike-a-saurus is back in the hospital yet again.

Actually, that makes four strikes, doesn't it?

I am vacillating between being sad and furious and confused. What in the hell is going on? I can't remember such a lousy 24 hours with such horrible news since my father died. I'm afraid to answer my phone.

Suck it, universe.

Egged On

Yes, I understand that it's hard for a little kid to sit still for long periods of time. I don't expect them to do that, especially during a Very Boring Mass. And, I also understand that kids are hopped up on all kinds of candy on Easter morning. But, the following sightings really pissed me off today:

• Punching.
  
• Crawling under seats.
  
• Running around/twirling dresses.
• Climbing up parents.
• Coloring.

All of these transgressions were committed by kids that were 4 or 5. In other words, they were absolutely old enough to know how to behave.

Of course, you want to go to Mass. It's Easter, and it's the only time of the year (besides Christmas) that you go. But, what kind of a message are you sending to your little darlings by letting them behave in a beastly fashion? Please note that I don't mind crying. Little ones do that. But, if you're spending all of your time playing cop to your kids, you aren't getting anything out of Mass either. Watch it on EWTN. Don't inflict them on people that are trying to worship.

/rant

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Sitting on the couch in H's lair, trying to understand whatever in the hell he is talking about regarding the surround sound. Love the man dearly, but just turn it on, turn it on again. Quit messin' with my Genesis.
   
2. Spending exactly what I wanted to spend at Krogzilla and getting everything on my list.
3. Dramatic masses during Easter week. Holy Thursday is my favorite, but I missed it (of course).
4. Planning and cooking lovely meals for holidays.
5. Planting pretty flowers and herbs and hoping that they don't die.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Needing a kleenex and never having one when I need it.
   
2. Old cats chasing new cats, and new cats not understanding that old cat just wants to play.
3. Dodgy internet connections.
4. Constant tornado sirens at the store. Can you say "boy who cried wolf?"
5. Weeds. Not weed, but weeds.
   

There's a Hole in My...

Watering can. Crap. How does one get a hole in a plastic watering can?

I bought a relatively small amount of dark purple petunias and some herbs yesterday. It's well known that I'm not a gardener. Every year I plant things that don't make it through the summer. However, I do have a number of annuals in my yard (things that come back), such as tulips and peonies, that are doing beautifully. The clematis that I planted last year around my mailbox have just exploded and should bloom any day. So, this year, I am determined to keep things alive for a while.

After dinner, I realized that I was feeling a little better and that I should get the plants in while I had that short window. I planted seven herbs... okay, six and a tomato plant... in containers and a flat of petunias in the planter box and three hanging planters. I still have a huge bag of potting soil left over. I left them all at the top of the driveway because we are supposed to get rain over the next few days.

Once you plant something, you are supposed to water it. I got out the Miracle Gro, filled up the watering can, and got soaked. I thought that it was just because I was sloppy and tired, but no! There is a freaking hole in my watering can! Great.

To add insult to injury, I was sure that I bought cilantro. Instead, I bought two flat-leaved parsleys and no cilantro. Perhaps D had an inadvertent hand in it, because she hates cilantro. I should just give her one of the parsleys.

I'll need to learn how to upload images to this so that someone can hold me accountable for potential plant murder.

Soooooo...

I went back to bed. I'm in bed now, with the ceiling fan on and the windows open. All three cats are in the room with me. I just need to sleep for a little while longer.

I just talked to H a little while ago and he reiterated my need to call the doctor. Yeah, I get it. But, I also believe that there won't really be anything that the doctor could do.

H also asked how I manage to work. I don't have much of a choice there. I save all of my strength and go in and do whatever needs to be done. But, that's it for the energy. The work is physically demanding, and I love it, but it taps me out completely.

So I sleep. For a little while, anyway.

Feeling Lousy

I can't seem to shake this thing. I was tired yesterday afternoon, so I lay down at 6. I didn't wake up again until 10:30 this morning. The kicker is that I didn't take any meds, or drink any alcohol, to facilitate it. I just slept.

H is very irritated with me. Perhaps he's annoyed because he wants to be able to sleep like that, but he crashes on weekends when I'm working. I did promise to make dinner last night but was sleeping, so he warmed up a frozen pizza. He was also very short with me this morning. I don't get it.

I also still feel very, very lousy. When will this end?

Experiments with Food

D called yesterday to tell me that J had brought a Buddha's Hand home from Krogzilla. Neither of us had any idea what to do with it, but she had read online that it's great for infusing in vodka.

Right up my alley, no?

I know that Hangar One makes a Buddha's Hand vodka, but I haven't tried it yet. The Buddha's Hand is citron, and is incredibly unfortunate looking. So unfortunate, in fact, that J likes to freak D out by waving it at her. So, we decided to infuse some vodka with it.

From all reports, it will take a month for it to steep. I bought some decent yet inexpensive French grape vodka to use in the steeping. We both have bottles ready to go.

The interesting thing about Buddha's Hand is, unlike many other citrus fruits, the pith (white part) is not bitter. In fact, none of it is bitter. We just have no idea what to do with it. So, in addition to making our two bottles of infusions, we:

• Put some in Kosher salt a la preserved Moroccan lemons.
• Put a little bit in sugar for her kids to snack on. Seriously yummy.
• Put a baggie of roughly chopped stuff in the freezer to see how it holds up.
• Minced some to put in a mini crock pot to use as potpourri.
• Put mainly the piths in baggies to throw in the garbage disposal to freshen the kitchen.
  

Reportedly, you can make candy out of it, but we haven't delved that far yet. I'm seriously thinking about buying beautiful bottles at Pier 1 and making bottles of the vodka infusion for Christmas gifts.

More to follow. We won't be able to drink it for a month. I'm not a huge fan of vodka, but this is entirely too cool to pass up.

Fear

Over the years, I've learned to handle the paranoia and discomfort and inconvenience that comes with Crohn's disease. I always know where a bathroom is. I always have baby wipes and gauze pads. I know which foods will cause endless agony and avoid them. But, sometimes it comes back and smacks me without warning.

I've been feeling ooky all day. By "ooky" I mean not quite up to par, but not miserable. Over the course of the day, my exhaustion and nausea has built. I was attributing all of it to the fact that I hardly slept last night. I ran a lot of errands after work, and crashed when I got home. Normally, when I nap hard like that, I feel better from the ook standpoint.

I woke up at 9 feeling worse.

(this is where it gets gross, so you've been warned)

Diarrhea is a fact of life for me, and that's really not a problem. It's so much a fact of life that I start to worry if I have anything else BUT diarrhea. Today, in addition to horrible nausea, I have hardly had any poo at all. What poo there has been is tiny and very unlike my normal horrors. But, there have been copious amounts of gas. So, gas + nausea - poo = TROUBLE.

I have never had problems with strictures, so we're pretty sure that's not an issue. Besides, little bits of pseudo-poo have been escaping along with the gas. But, it's normal for someone that is having a flare (in other words, have ulcers in the intestinal tract) to have the poo slowed down or stopped entirely. Great! No diarrhea, huh? That sounds lovely, but the problem is that it comes with pain.

Lots and lots and lots of pain.

Think about small animals with sharp claws running amok in your guts. Or, think of the worst menstrual cramps that you've ever had all over your abdomen, not just in your uterus. Add to that excitement the fact that you can place your hand on your abdomen and feel the poo trying to escape. It can't though. Reinforcements need to be called in.

H, my beloved, beloved H, just went to the 24-hour Kroger to get some Fleet Phosphosoda and some prune juice. He's pretty insistent that I try the Fleet first, even though it has a history of making me vomit instantly. I just mixed up a batch of Lime Koolaid to try to mask it. At least I don't have to drink the entire bottle, like I would for a colonoscopy prep. You haven't experienced misery until you've had to drink that shit. But, I digress. If I can get some of that down, along with some prune juice, perhaps we'll be able to get things moving. Hopefully, we'll keep the vomiting down to a minimum.

On a happy note, all three girls know that something is up and they're hovering. Cookie is growling, of course, but that's okay. They're all here and they're being very supportive. I'm sure that they'll also stick their paws under the bathroom door as I'm running in and out all night.

I'm not sure why this is upsetting me so much. I think that it's because it has been a long time since I've had to deal with this, and it came on so suddenly. Hopefully, this will work and I'll be as right as rain (or snow) in the morning.

In the mean time, it looks to be a long, long night.

Subversive Thought of the Day

Blue, green, and black nail polish gross me out. They all look like fungus, especially on feet.

Menu Mania

I just finished the April shopping list for Fix it & Forget it. This one was pretty laborious, as we are preparing six meals instead of four or five. And, several of the recipes have quite a few ingredients. But, some of the ingredients are to be used in more than one recipe, so that helps cut down on the shopping a little.

Most of the recipes are very easy to put together, and only one needs to be cooked before freezing. All of the prep should be a snap. We're making:

Marinated chicken (with onion and garlic)
Mozzarella-filled meatballs
Oven-baked breaded pork chops
Margarita pork chops
Mango cranberry chicken
Marinated flank steak

I can't wait to see how inexpensive this ends up being. And, we'll have margaritas while we cook!

Proud Mommy

I'm so proud of Annie. She is handling the new addition to our family incredibly well. So well, in fact, that she hasn't been this social in years. She lets different people touch her, she hangs around with us, she purrs, and she stays in the same room with both of the other girls. I am thrilled and stunned. I never, ever would have expected this.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Picking up extra hours.
2. Wanting something sweet and eating yogurt.
   
3. Beautiful tulips and hyacinths.
4. Alton Brown.
5. Tasting wonderful wines with reps.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Broken feet. At least H doesn't need surgery. Thank God.
   
2. Gator attacks. I'm just so tired.
3. Kitty litter everywhere.
4. Not knowing what to do with my hair. I need a new look.
5. Dust, dust, dust.
   

Fools

I hate April Fools Day. I always have.

I don't play tricks on people. They have enough of a challenge keeping up with my craziness on a regular basis.

I just got to talk to my niece's three tadpoles. They're very well spoken for amphibians. Their names are Speckles, Lily, and Badinkadink.

Not a Doctor

H went to the doctor yesterday because his foot just isn't feeling better. He hurt it over a week ago, and the bruise is starting to fade, but it's still painful. We had talked over and over about going to the doctor when it first happened, but he didn't want to go. And, when he said that he was going to go in for an xray yesterday, I told him that I thought that it was unnecessary.

Turns out that I was very, very wrong.

The doctor sent him for xrays, and told him that she thought that it was just severely bruised and that it would take a few weeks to feel better. She called him back this morning to say that they did find a fracture and some bone necrosis that resulted from it. She's going to send him to an orthopedist for an MRI. She also hopes that he won't need surgery. Holy shit.

At the very least, he'll need an air cast for 6-8 weeks. I can't imagine how long he would need rehab if he had surgery. At least it's his left foot, so he can still drive, but it's just awful.

Hot Cookin' Mamas

Saturday was our rescheduled date for our Fix it & Forget it cooking. We totally kicked ass on this one. We made:

• Maple Glazed Turkey Breast
• Chicken Divan with cheese and broccoli
• Chicken Cherries Jubilee
• Marinated Pork Tenderloin
  

I had made batches of Tortilla Soup and Pasta Sauce ahead of time, and shared those as well.

M did the numbers when it was all over and it cost us $38 per family. For 12 meals! $38!!! I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that, but there you go. And, K bought an extra ginormous bag of chicken breasts that will take care of two separate recipes for all of us next month. I can't wait to see what it ends up costing.

Here's a recap of what we had this month:

• Pecan Crusted Orange Curry Chicken. Wow. This absolutely blew us away. It needs a little more curry, but that can be arranged. I didn't tell H about the pecans, as he would have refused to eat it, but he LOVED it. Heh.
• Herbed Chicken. Mediocre. Sauvignon Blanc and herbs reduced for the marinade.
  
• Meat Loaf. Beef, turkey, pork in bacon lined mini pans. Phenomenal, especially when you take the loaves out of the pans before you bake them.
  
• Pork Chops and Apples. Meh. Good flavor but the apples needed to be juicier. I have one serving left and will dose it well with apple brandy.
• Pasta Sauce. The old standby.
• Chicken & Dumplings. D's recipe. Killer.
  

Five Years

I am the luckiest girl in the world.

H and I have been married for five years now. We had a wonderful dinner out on Friday night, and talked about how lucky we are and how different our life is from what we had expected.

We figured that we would own a house, but never expected to find such a great one and get into it so quickly. We also thought that we would be in Tennessee, and not have children, and that was right as well. That's about it.

We have had health glitches, gator attacks, job losses. Neither one of us love what we are doing. Money is tight and we're pretty stressed about it.

But, we are so incredibly blessed. No one understands us as well as the other. We rarely argue... just discuss. There is no one that I would rather see before I go to sleep and when I wake up every morning. We have a wonderful life that so many people only aspire to.

I want another five times twenty five years with him.

Way too much technology floating around here. Yay for smart husbands!

The gmail ads next to an email from a friend wishing us a happy anniversary were for cubic zirconia jewelry and wrinkle cream. Love it.

Wow. Five years already? Marrying him was the smartest thing that I have ever done. I hope that he feels the same way.

Let's see how this is working. Thanks, Desiree.

Off the Wagon

I've started reading Dooce again.

Not sure why, but I like it.

Overcast

Adama: What do you hear?
Starbuck: Nothing but the rain.

Rain is good. It makes grass green and flowers grow. But, the rain in my head isn't good.

I forced myself to get out of bed this morning, which is a good start. I should be working on cleaning the house, as the mess is starting to bug me, but I can't seem to get it together. I always do this to myself. I plan an enormously productive day the night before and then get nothing done. Then, I freak out because I'm "behind" when I didn't really need to accomplish the enormously aggressive list of stuff in the first place.

It would make sense for me to clean when I think about it, usually late at night. But, I don't want to be up doing stuff like that and have a harder time than usual getting up the next morning. Mornings are a nightmare as it is. And, H is starting to get so much better about going to sleep at a reasonable hour that I don't want to make noise and keep him up. I'm very thankful that I only close two nights in April so that I can get things done after I get home from work.

I also need to get in the habit of doing little bits of cleaning every day. That way, I won't feel like I'm burning an entire day off and I won't freak out because I have a list of things to do that I will never finish.

I just can't seem to get anything done lately. I feel like I'm going through the motions and am only getting the bare minimums done in order to keep the house running (like emptying the dishwasher and ironing a few shirts). I'm not sure why this is happening, as I'm not particularly upset or stressed, but there it is. I am having a hard time functioning. Again.

I'm going to go back to bed for a while. Hopefully, the rain outside will be stronger than the rain inside.

Details, Details

Things that I would do if I had a spare $10,000 to use on home improvements:

• New dishwasher. Ours gets on my last nerve.
  
• Get the washer and dryer fixed.
• Have a fence put up.
• Install a sprinkler system.
• Have shelves built in the garage.
• Hire an electrician to put in some more lights and sockets and fix our ceiling fan light.
  

It goes without saying that I would have N back to clean the house in a heartbeat.

One can dream, no?

All Quiet (Except on the Foot Front)

So far, all is well with the new cat.

H went and picked up Cookie yesterday. He took her to the vet and brought her home, all before I got home from work. She seems to be settling in well, aside from crying loudly at 4:30 in the morning and hiding under the bed a lot.

We have her sequestered in one of our spare bedrooms. Hopefully, the other two will be good when we finally let Cookie out to wander. They are both downstairs with me right now and seem perfectly normal. Last night, when Cookie was freaking out, I went in to check on her and she escaped. She ran downstairs. Katie didn't seem to care, but Annie did hiss for a little while. That's par for the course.

Cookie seems to be a very nice girl, and I hope that it works out. I am very afraid, though, that it will be very stressful for our girls. Ultimately, that is where we might have to draw the line. We'll let her out of the room for a little while later and see what happens.

The worst part of the whole weekend so far is that H twisted his foot badly yesterday while he was picking Cookie up. It's very black and blue, and it hurts him terribly to walk on it, but we don't think that anything is broken. He's resting now with Tylenol and ice. That does add to the stress of the situation, but he'll be fine.

Special Five for Friday BSG edition

Things that I love about the BSG finale:

1. Sometimes people do get what they deserve. See: Cavil, Racetrack, Boomer, Tory.
2. Doc Cottle.
   
3. Helo's alive! He's alive! My first girly scream of the evening was when I thought he got plugged.
   
4. Hoshi, Hoshi, Hoshi. Seeing him with Tigh, Cottle, Adama, Baltar at the end made me grin.
5. It's not always happy. I hate gratuitously happy things. Life isn't happy.
   

Things that I hate about the BSG finale:

1. The Sun? Really? Poor, poor Sam.
   
2. Not nearly enough Leoben. I wanted to see him disappear with Starbuck.
3. 150,000 years? Come on. How come no one has found bits of Raptor? Silly.
4. Chief ending up alone. He has always been my favorite.
5. Tory should have been killed more than once.
   

I can't believe that it's over.

Five for Friday

Short and sweet.

Things that make me happy:

1. Thick green grass.
2. New glasses.
   
3. Additions to the family.
4. Being told that the new sunglasses would take 10 days to get in, but it was less than one.
   
5. Tulips.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Smelling like old cigar smoke.
   
2. The end of BSG.
3. Headaches from new glasses.
4. Worrying how the girls will react to the new addition.
5. Having to work and not be able to watch the BSG marathon today.
   

Slipping

I'm afraid that the gator is back. I'm starting to see little ripples in the water. Not sure if it's a strong breeze or if there is something lurking under the surface.

I've been so tired and not sleeping well at all. I don't think the problem is physical. I've been eating much better, getting more exercise, not drinking as much or as often, and not taking a lot of sleeping meds. In other words, I've been doing everything right. I can't seem to sleep, though. I lie awake for hours, tossing and turning, and eventually crash between 3 and 4. My mind just races. When it's not racing, I'm exhausted but can't sleep anyway.

H has been weaning himself off of some meds, and is in need of more Remicade, so he hasn't been sleeping either. That doesn't help.

So, what's going on? I'm always tired. I've been very short lately. I spend all of my spare time sleeping (or laying around in my pajamas). Am I paranoid or just very busy and worn out?

The sad thing is that all is well. H is great, we're not completely stressed out, I have lots of social engagements, and work is good. The family is healthy. K is brilliant. Both cats are loving and snuggly. Where's the problem?

I think that it's between my ears.

So Scary

How can a healthy 45-year-old woman fall on a ski slope, appear to be fine, and then be dead less than 48 hours later? Poor Natasha Richardson and poor Liam Neeson. How terrible.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I have never really wanted to go to Disney World. I have been to Disney Land, and was underwhelmed.

Yummy Smells

Today, I cook. I cook a whole lot. Fortunately, none of it is very time consuming or difficult. But, it's a whole heck of a lot of food.

We're meeting for the Once a Month Cooking next Saturday at K's, and I am bringing Pasta Sauce and Tortilla Soup. The Pasta Sauce is the same stuff that I always make, and the Tortilla Soup recipe is J's. Last week, J brought over two rotisserie chickens that I pulled apart and stuck in quart bags in the freezer. One portion of the chicken is in the soup right now. The soup is in the crock pot and will bubble bubble bubble along for the rest of the day until I put it in the serving bags.

The sauce is a little more laborious, but still fabulous. The onions, garlic, and meat are browning now (sausage, hamburger, pork, veal) and I'll add tomatoes, herbs, and wine to it shortly. It will need all day to reduce.

I've been craving Chicken Marsala lately, and will make some for dinner tonight. I'm also going to make extra so that I can freeze it.

It is a lot of work, but not in that it takes a long time to prepare. It just takes a long time to cook. Preparing it to cook is actually pretty quick. And, you do have to have all of the ingredients. That is always my catch.

I'm a Little Bit Screamy...

We had Supper Club at K & J's last night and played Rock Star. I've heard all about it, of course, but had no idea how fabulous it would be. Oddly enough, I still have a pretty good sense of pitch and sang very well. No, that's not true. I didn't sing well at all, but I sang in tune and very enthusiastically. The guys and D all had a wonderful time playing their instruments as well. I gave the Bass and Drums a shot, and it was Hard.

H has Guitar Hero, which is similar (as I'm told). I think that I'm going to have to get a microphone, unless they're horrendously expensive. My birthday is coming, after all. Heh.

Subversive Thought of the Day

Is it really necessary for me to blog, Facebook, and Twitter? Does anyone give a damn?

I'm not even sure that I do, but at least it's a chance to write. I need to write more.

(fill in quote about monkeys, typewriters, and Shakespeare here)

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Rock Star. We had such a great time!
2. Homemade chocolate chip cookies.
3. Snuggly cats first thing in the morning.
4. Sweetwater Georgia Brown. Oh, dear.
   
5. Perfectly crispy grilled cheese sandwiches.
6. Pink Floyd.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Mist. Just rain already!
2. Having to get up when H and K are still snuggly.
3. Breaking the seal.
4. Only one more episode of Battlestar Galactica.
5. Not knowing whether or not to adopt another cat.
   

So Much for the New Austerity

I just spent $140 at Kroger. The really sad thing is that I didn't buy anything that I didn't need. So much for my budget of $70. Not sure what we were thinking.

I HATE grocery shopping. The really pathetic thing is that I hardly bought any meat at all.

Bloody hell.

New Austerity Redux

Back when all of the chaos ensued, we tweaked our budget to allow us to continue to live without my rushing out to get a potentially horrendous job. We made some major changes, and weren't sure how they would work out. It would probably be helpful for both of us if I looked back to see how well we are surviving.

1. Eliminating the housekeeper. This really killed me, because I love N. She's a wonderful woman that works very hard, and I know that quite a few of her clients were paring back as well. But, it saves us so much money. We're getting better about cleaning, but have plenty of room to improve. Back in January, I put together a schedule of small chores that could be done every day by both of us to keep the housework from becoming overwhelming. We never instituted it, and it would be helpful to revisit that.
   
2. Paring back our allowances. We both have our own personal checking accounts, in addition to our joint household account. So that we didn't have to account for every penny to each other or ask for money, we give ourselves an "allowance" every month. We have both trimmed ours back. I take food with me to work every day, and haven't really had a problem with the amount at all. Can't speak for H, but he hasn't said anything about it.
   
3. Not eating out. We used to go out at least twice a week. Now, if we go once a week it's a real event. It takes more forethought to have meals at the ready, but it is absolutely worth it. And, we're saving money on groceries because we're shopping smarter. The once a month cooking thing is making a huge difference as well. It will be interesting to see how the gardening works this summer.
   
4. Ironing H's shirts. Okay, this is where it fell apart. Theoretically, we could have saved at least $50 a month if I did the ironing. In actuality, I hate ironing more than just about anything else. I have had the ironing board set up in our bedroom for weeks now, and the same stack of shirts is still on it, waiting for me. I just can't make myself do it. So, we're going to take some of his shirts, like his good dress shirts, in and the rest will be hung up as soon as they come out of the dryer. Nice compromise. I think that I can keep the $ spent on it to under $30.
5. Alcohol consumption. I don't drink a whole lot, and I don't drink all of the time. But, I do love a glass of wine with dinner. It is much less expensive, though, if I don't (not to mention, many fewer calories). I don't buy any more than two bottles at a time, if that. Of course, working in a wine shop is much like being a kid in a candy store. I want everything. But, I take it on a day-by-day basis.
   
6. Spa time. I found a new hair salon and am paying half of the price for haircuts. I'm also coloring my own hair. Good thing that I was unhappy with the previous salon anyway.
7. Discontinuing services. We dumped TiVo, our home phone number, and the newspaper. We're still looking to trim $ wherever we can, but this was a big chunk right off of the bat.

It's certainly not perfect, and we still have too much debt and not the healthiest of money habits, but we're making great progress. Now, we just need to sell off all of the extraneous crap that we have sitting around in the house. THAT would make a huge difference both financially and emotionally.

Taking Responsibility

Sometimes, my job makes me sad.

The great majority of the customers that come into our store in the mornings are hard-core alcoholics. Some come in as soon as we open to get their fix. Most have shaky hands. Most buy cheap vodka. All are friendly.

That is ultimately what breaks my heart: they are friendly. I would guess that we probably have as much of a relationship as they do with some members of their families. We talk about the weather, sports, news, travel. We never ask their names. I feel very guilty sometimes that I never ask their names, but that might make it harder for me to deal with. I don't want to personalize them more than "Danfield's guy" or "gin guy" or "horse woman." There is "pretty blueberry girl" that is only 23 and drinks Smirnoff minis in her car on the way home from work. The one man that we have named is Mr. Boston. He's a transplant from the Northeast, and can change the conversation to something centered around Boston in less than 10 seconds.

There is no state law that dictates how often customers can come in, but we cut people off at two visits per day. So, our regulars know that they need to come in the morning and in the afternoon and that's it. They also buy small bottles. That way, their intake is limited to what they have in front of them.

I wonder if my father went to the same store every day, or if he went to different ones. He drank a fifth of vodka every day or so for many, many years. Did they know him by name, or was he "Gordon's guy?"

Ultimately, it's not our responsibility to worry about them, or even limit their intake. If we weren't there, they would get it from someone else. They can also choose not to drink. But, our business would suffer greatly if we didn't have so many regulars. So, we continue to buy the pints and minis and smile and try not to be heartbroken when we see the same people day in and day out. But, I still wish that people came in only because they wanted to enjoy a drink, not because they needed one.

Thoughts on the End

Aw, man. Two episodes, and three hours, of Battlestar Galactica left. As much as I hate it, there are a few things that I would like to see...

• Sam wake up out of the goo and slap Kara silly.
• Kara figure it all out and become the Cylon Goddess that she is.
  
• Baltar shoot Roslin in the cancer once again so she can lose the stupid scarf.
  
• Boomer figure out that she's a bitter asshole and kidnap Hera for the millionth time.
  
• Galactica come to her senses and airlock Baltar and all of his lunatics.
  
• She can airlock Ellen as well. After all, this is really Ellen's fault.
  
• Adama go back to his main craft... model shipbuilding, not painting.
  
• Helo and Athena make more little Helos and Athenas.
  

Of everything, I am saddest about Chief. He's long been my favorite character, other than Starbuck, and it seems like he's been set up for one disaster after another and has gotten screwed at every turn. I just want him to be happy.

Boy, I have spent entirely too much time thinking about this to be so torn up.

Five for Friday

Wow. Doing this on time for a change!

Things that make me happy:

1. Strong, black coffee.
   
2. Freshly cleaned litter boxes.
3. Seeing Mom, E, R, and K over the weekend.
4. Losing weight little by little.
   
5. Firefly. I think. We'll see.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Headaches from the lack of caffeine.
2. Prickly legs.
   
3. Worrying about money.
4. Not getting 40 hours a week at the store (see #3).
5. Cats eating plants and then throwing up. And then, they do it all over again.
   

Oh, Nuts

I'm going to miss Kathie Lee Gifford, Joe Scarbrough, and Nicholas Sparks at BEA. I might just stay in bed for the rest of the day and cry.

(no wonder the publishing industry has gone down the tubes)

Office

I can't stand to go in there.

One of the few criteria that I had for selecting a house was that I wanted an office on the first floor. I thought that I was going to be working at home for the indefinite future, and I wanted the office downstairs so that I had easy access to the kitchen and to outside. We were lucky enough to find a model that had a "sunroom" on the first floor that we turned into an office for me. It is lined with bookshelves and has a lovely comfortable desk and chair.

I haven't worked in there since October, and I haven't spent more than 10 minutes in there at a time at all. But, it has become an easy dumping ground for books, papers, bills, and anything that needs organizations. It is a disaster area, and it makes my blood pressure shoot up just looking in there. I just went in to use the printer and I was uneasy sitting at the desk.

It desperately needs to be cleaned out, but I can't stand it. It's embarrassing to look at, but it makes me so sad to be in there. I could probably throw out half of the stuff that is in there. It's such a shame, because it is a beautiful room, but I'm not ready for that yet.

I've spent a fair amount of time trying to understand why it upsets me so much to go in there. I think that perhaps it's the only physical manifestation that I have of how much my life has changed. When you leave a job in an office, you walk away and never go back. I can't do that in this case... in fact, I have to look at it every day.

I did think that we should convert the room into something else. But, that would mean spending some kind of money on furniture and we certainly can't do that right now. What else would we do with it? Maybe the best idea would be to get a curtain for the door (it has glass panels) so that I can't see in there easily.

Or, does that mean that I'm just hiding from the problem?

It's All Good

I got up before 9 today.

I showered before Noon.

I went to Krogzilla, the much hated destination, and had lunch with my husband before 2.

Lunch and snacks for the week were prepared before 4.

I even did some house cleaning!

I'm ready for bed now. But, I feel like a real person for a change.

Five for Friday

Late again. As usual.

Things that make me happy:

1. Snow in Tennessee. Heh. Watch everyone freak out!
2. Drinks after work with wonderful friends.
3. Did I mention snow? For two weekends in a row?
4. Snuggly kittens keeping watch when I'm not well.
   
5. Puffs with Vicks. Mmmmmmm.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Coughing up globs of icky stuff.
   
2. The enormous pile of ironing that is lurking in the corner of my bedroom.
3. Religious intolerance.
4. Endless laundry.
5. Chapped lips.
   

I'm not very interesting this week. Sorry.

Still

I'm sick AGAIN. The bad cold is back. This is getting ridiculous.

Nut

Not sure why I haven't talked about the trip to the Nutritionist last week. I guess that it's because I've been really busy and it wasn't as traumatic as I had expected.

It turns out that I'm not as inept as I had expected. I'm not eating the wrong things at all, but I am eating them at the wrong times and with not enough frequency. I need to eat 5-6 small meals or snacks every day. And, I need to stick to as low residue of a diet as I can. The funny thing about that is a low-res diet rules out so many things that are considered healthier... like whole grain bread and broccoli. But, I've always had problems with things like that. So be it.

The most important thing, besides giving my body lots and lots of wonderful nutrients, is to get my metabolism fired up.

I've been working hard to drink lots and lots of water and to bring nutritious snacks with me wherever I go. I've also been putting snacks in tiny snack bags so that I don't eat tons of stuff all at once. We'll see what happens.

In the Company of Women

I went to Chicago this weekend for a sorority reunion. It had been 15 years since I had seen most of the people that came, and it was a wonderful evening. Two of them told me that they came because I was planning on being there, and I was welcomed with open arms by so many.

It was most interesting to me that we all fell into our old patterns. The same people hung around together, and certain people didn't socialize at all, and others made sure to talk to everyone. One woman summed it up perfectly when she said that the first thing that she saw was one certain person sitting at the bar just like old times. And, as expected there was a certain amount of snottiness from others.

Just about everyone was immediately recognizable. Some gained weight, some had lost weight, and some appeared to have bad work done. Most had shiny diamonds on their left hands, and everyone had pictures to show. Thankfully, no one had enormous hair.

I was really quite nervous about going. But, I felt so loved and missed and I was shocked by how much I loved and missed some of them.

And so, I have come home.

Five for Friday

I'm a little early, but I did forget last week. Oops.

Things that make me happy:

1. Yankee Candles.
2. Carrots.
   
3. Feeling helpful.
4. Fully stocked, and freshly cleaned out, freezers.
5. Twitchy cat tails.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Horrific gas and electricity bills.
2. Sinus headaches. I never really had one until we moved to Tennessee, and now they're common. And, they make me throw up.
   
3. My noisy washing machine.
4. Having to clean my own house. It. Never. Ends.
5. The news. For all intents and purposes, I've stopped watching. I read headlines on the major papers and that's it.
   

Cooking Made Easy

A few months ago, D asked if she could borrow one of my freezer-friendly cookbooks. I'm a big proponent of making extra food so that I can freeze some of it. I like to cook, but my energy is rather limited and I don't want to spend a lot of time messing with it. I suggested that we take a Supper Thyme approach to it and work together on making meals. She loved the idea.

I've done both Supper Thyme and Super Suppers in the past, and they're great. It's wonderful not to have to do any prep work or clean up, and each month there are at least 12 recipes that you can choose from. The problem is that it's pretty expensive. For just 6 meals, or 12 if you divide them in half, it can cost over $125. Convenience and variety is great, but right now, money talks.

So, we got together with K and M to talk it out. We set a menu, created a shopping list, and put it all out on Google Documents. We raided our pantries to see what we already had on hand and didn't need to purchase. We looked for sales and hit Costco and Kroger. Yesterday, D, K, and I got together at K's house to prepare 5 meals in freezer ready packages. It took us just over 3 hours to get everything done. The amazing part is that it cost us less than $50 each... which translates into 12 meals for H and I.

We set the menu for next month, and I worked today to get the menu and shopping list posted so that everyone could access it. K and D have memberships to Costco, and D's husband works at Kroger. This way, with a month in advance, we can look for great sales and stock our freezers. This time was a little chaotic for everyone, and M wasn't even able to make the food prep, but that is to be expected for the first time. But, we learned a lot and it will get better in time.

The other lovely part is that we have a box of supplies that we can reuse (such as spices and big Ziploc baggies). That will certainly save money in the long run.

D also mentioned that they are interested in planting a communal garden. We'd all pitch in for seeds and plants, we'd all take care of it, and we'd all share in the harvest. Woo hoo!

Please

Pray for Kari and her little Ike-a-saurus. Things are scary again.

Pure Romance

Homemade Veal Parmigiana. China and silver. Nice wine in crystal glasses. Candles giving off a warm glow. Just the two of us in the dining room celebrating Valentine's Day.

All this splendor accompanied by the smell of singed cat hair.

Dietary Dilemmas Update

So, I got brave and called my GI's office today for a referral to a nutritionist. C, the nurse that I always talk to and just adore, gave me a number for a dietary clinic at Vanderbilt. I called during lunch and got an appointment for 8:30 on Monday. Monday! Holy smokes! I really need to do it before I chicken out.

I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. I need the guidance and it will only be good for me. And, since Dr. L's nurse recommended them, I'm sure that they'll be fabulous. Help is good.

Dietary Dilemmas

I really need to clean up my act.

Let me clarify. It's not that what I eat is all that terrible. But, I eat the wrong things for my body.

Red meat causes my body to freak out. I'll spare you the gory details, but I can't handle it. Even simple hamburgers just about kill me. And, I don't process raw vegetables that well either. So much for green, leafy salads every day.

I need to eat more protein, because that makes me feel the best. J's Tortilla Soup recipe is cheap, damn good, and makes me feel wonderful because it's full of meat and beans. Peanut butter also works. Cheese is great. Carbs, on the other hand, make me feel incredibly sluggish but that's what I tend to eat because they don't cause any other problems.

I should ask D about her nutritionist. D is incredibly healthy and must be horrified by what she sees here. It's not as much about losing weight as it is about not feeling horrendous any more.

Too Fracking Cool

Radiohead with the USC Marching Band on the Grammys. I don't normally watch the Grammys, but H put them on just in time to catch this. If D wasn't sleeping I would have blasted the roof off the house.

Oh, and to see Gwyneth the Disco Ball. Meh.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I HATED E.T. Yes, I'm shouting, because I always have to justify this. I hated it when I saw it in the theater when I was a kid, and I hated it more when I saw it on DVD as an adult. Hate.

Yes, I do have a heart and I do like sentimental things. But this is just freaking stupid.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Mom's Chicken Noodle Soup.
2. 60 degree days in February, and getting off of work at 3.
3. Yummy leftovers for lunch.
4. Having (mostly) wonderful neighbors.
5. Curling up on the couch with a cat and a good book.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Psycho cats.
2. Perpetual exhaustion.
   
3. Gross smells in the refrigerator.
4. Local Nashville news. All channels are disgraceful.
5. Poky underwire bras.
   

Cat Chaos

A friend of mine from work is staying with us for a little while because she has gone through some pretty heavy stuff in the last week or so. Mom left yesterday, and last night I ran around to make sure that D's room and bathroom were all set.

We (okay, I) had the brilliant idea to shut the girls in our room overnight so that D wouldn't have to worry about them lurking around. I put the litter box in our bathtub, showed them both where it was, and shut the door.

Normally, we leave our bedroom door open so that they have the run of the house. The litter box is kept in the laundry room next door. I put the litter box in the bathtub because I am sick to death of stepping on it in my bare feet, because both beasts track it all over everywhere.

Now, it's no secret that cats are nocturnal animals. Ours lurk all over the house during the night. They also chase each other up and down the hall and stairs. Why on earth would I take that into account when I shut them up in our room with us attempting to sleep?

I was awakened at about 2:45 am to the sound of hissing, which is normal, and them jumping up and down off the bed, which is also normal. What was not normal, however, was the wet spot right next to my head. Turns out that someone had an accident. Right. Next. To. My. Head. If she was trying to prove a point, it worked. I went into the front bedroom to get the comforter, put the cat-pee-covered comforter on the floor in the front room, and tried to lay down again. Sure enough, the sheet was wet as well. K, being all excited at that point, sunk her teeth into H's toe, which elicited a scream from him. H got up to go to the bathroom (in the appropriate place, mind you) and I changed the sheets quickly. At that point, the little monsters were really freaking out. I left the door open so that they could escape, and they both ran down the stairs immediately.

With new sheets and H back in bed, he went to sleep after a lengthy sneezing fit. I lay there worried that D was awakened by the 20 minutes of chaos. She was, of course, but only heard the sneezing fit.

Welcome to our home, D! The room is comfortable, but the cats are badly behaved and you never know what you'll hear in the middle of the night!

You Know That the Economy is Bad When...

Publishers' Weekly Online has a special section that lists email addresses for everyone that has been laid off.

Is it Time?

Mom and I had a talk about wrinkles today. I'm seriously considering buying some really expensive wrinkle cream that she swears by. She also thinks that I should start fending it all off now before I turn 62 and am wrinkly and puffy. But, she's not really wrinkly or puffy!

Not sure why this is freaking me out, but it's consistent with my angst over being 40 in 18 months.

But, who's counting?

Six for Sunday

Things that make me happy:

1. Freshly brewed coffee.
2. Snuggling in bed with H and both cats on a chilly night.
   
3. Spending an evening with Mom getting ready for a party.
4. Getting together with women that I haven't seen in 15 years.
   
5. Not having to vacuum or clean bathrooms because H did it.
   
6. Feeling useful.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Cardboard paper cuts.
   
2. Working efficiently when other people are standing around.
   
3. Money.
4. Big dust rats under the furniture.
5. Dropping bottles of wine at the store. Two in the last week!
6. Friends getting mugged at gunpoint right outside their apartments.
   

Illinois Business as Usual

G-Rod is now Gone-Rod. Heh.

Subversive Thought of the Day

Angelina Jolie has scary man hands.

Just What I Wanted to See

Porn in High Def. Eeeeeeeeew.

Better Living Through Chemistry

Today, I felt normal.

Well, almost normal. I still have this rotten stinkin' cold, but other than that, mentally normal.

This is the first time in as long as I can remember that I had a day off and I accomplished (almost) everything that I wanted to do. The fact that I wanted to do ANYTHING other than sleep all day is huge in and of itself. I even got up earlier than I had intended. And, I was showered by 12:30!

I think that this victory can be attributed to a few things: the love of a wonderful man, better meds, and virtually no stress. H has been so incredibly patient and loving with me, and I can't begin to express how grateful I am for him. I knew that Lexapro works much better for me than Effexor, but it has taken a while for it to really kick in. And, we completely underestimate how much stress wreaks havoc on our bodies and minds.

I didn't get in everything that I wanted to accomplish, but it was still a huge step for me.

I feel like a useful person again. I can't describe how good that feels.

Freak-Out-of-the-Day

I carded a kid (!) today that turned 21 a few days ago.

He was born in 1988.

I graduated from HIGH SCHOOL in 1988.

What Have I Done?

New plasma TV.

We had planned on going away for a long weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary in March, but decided to spend the money on a new TV instead.

It is beautiful, though. We just watched parts of Finding Nemo on it, and the color is amazing. Charter is coming to install HD on Wednesday, and I might never want to leave the house again.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Tylenol cold medicine. It works!
2. Getting my eyebrows waxed.
3. Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer.
   
4. Finding books that I forgot that I bought.
5. Receiving Christmas presents in January.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. My short fuse. It's been shorter than normal these days. Not sure why.
   
2. Missing my nap times in the middle of the afternoon.
3. Buying nail polish that looks great in the bottle and horrible on my hands.
4. Finding enormous dust mice under the furniture, along with hundreds of cat toys.
5. Very, very sore wrists.
   

Good Friends

I'm a terrible friend. No, that's not entirely true. I can be a very good friend. But, I lose touch with friends very, very easily.

I think that's the natural progression of things. We have different friends at different times and they serve different purposes. As we grow up, we move on. It's very easy for me to use the lack of simple technology (Facebook, email, cell phones) to not talk to people.

The last few weeks have been a revelation. I've heard from old friends from grade school, high school, college. Former teachers. Former co-workers. Many of them have said that they think of me and wonder where I've been. All are happy to hear from me and most want to get together for a drink.

Malcolm Gladwell, in Blink, refers to some people as "connectors." Those are the people that never lose touch and are always accessible to everyone. I have never been one of those. But, I will work hard to maintain the connections that I have now, and foster them. I have already been able to "connect" two people that didn't know each other previously for business purposes. It's all a good thing.

The best and most important lesson to take away from this is that I am loved. And, it's not just me. We're all loved, and I do love the people that I've reconnected. I have missed them and want to share our lives.

The New Austerity

It's not really new, but I'm actually enforcing it now.

Please find below a list of items that I wanted to purchase within the last 48 hours but didn't.

1. OPI nail polish (but I can't remember which color I like).
2. Michelle Obama's green gloves from J Crew.
   
3. Books on wine from Amazon.
4. Lots of hair products from Aveda.
   
5. Aretha's fabulous hat.
6. Pop Tarts (although, that has less to do with austerity and more to do with flab).
   

Day by day, baby. Day by day.

Overdosing on Obama

Not that this is a bad thing, mind you.

I have been watching CNN since 8 this morning, and I can't get enough of it. I did take a short nap at 5-ish, but other than that, have been spellbound.

I have also gone to the J Crew website to try to order Michelle's green gloves. What is wrong with me? I don't even WEAR gloves. I don't live in an area that requires gloves. Good thing that their site is down so I couldn't spend more money needlessly.

Yay, Barack! Yay, Michelle! I am thrilled.

Six for Sunday

I've been bad lately about posting. I've thought about a few things to say, but haven't gotten around to doing anything about it. Tired, yo. Sorry.

Things that make me happy:

1. J's guacamole recipe.
2. The return of Battlestar Galactica, even though it's extremely depressing.
3. Having a house full of people, and they're all having a great time.
4. Coming home to a full crock pot of goodness.
5. Snuggly kitties.
6. Passing all of the bill-paying responsibilites over to H.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Cold feet (literally, not figuratively).
2. Football players with long hair that hangs out below their helmets.
3. Wind chill. In Tennessee. Who knew?
4. Ellen Tigh.
5. Perpetual sniffles.
   
6. Having to do six million small loads of laundry instead of three million larger ones.
   

Boy, am I boring. I consider that to be a huge victory.

Subversive Thought of the Day

I am glad that the Titans lost. They didn't deserve the record that they had. One more week of listening to everyone at Job #1 bitch about the blown calls and then the football season will FINALLY be over. Or, so I pray.

Momentary Lack of Reason

Every few years, I have a meltdown when my biological clock goes off unexpectedly.

I think that I've made it perfectly clear in this blog that I don't want children, I don't particularly like children, and I've never wavered from that. However, I know full well (and am reminded periodically) that this lack of desire is not normal for a woman. Most women like kids and want kids and some will even do stupid things in order to have kids. Not me.

Yesterday, I started second guessing my decision. I'm staring down 40, and am certainly not healthy, so if I were to do it I would need to do it soon. No pressure or anything.

H and I touch base with each other occasionally about it. The conversation usually works as follows:

H: "Given any more thought to it?"
Me: "Hell, no."
H: "Me either."
Me: "Good. Let's go out to dinner and then sleep all day tomorrow."

He doesn't like kids any more than I do, and labored under the delusion for many years that men were supposed to get married and have kids. There didn't seem to be any alternatives to that plan. I quickly disavowed him of that, and he's been very happy ever since.

So, I had a minor freakout, made a few phone calls that freaked out the recipients, and then calmed down. Then the fun really started.

I spent hours and hours last night throwing up. At first, I thought that it might have been the bug that was going around. But, the bazooka barfing came on much too quickly, along with other very unpleasant things. And, it took place not long after I had Chinese food from our local, mediocre carry-out joint. This caused even more interesting conversations to take place.

H: "What would you do if you were this sick and had a newborn that needed feeding?"
Me: "BLLLLLAAAAAAAAARGH."
H: "And what if you were this sick for the entire 9 months like your sister was?"
Me: "BLLLLLAAAAAAAAARGH."

Delirium does odd things to people. Remind me never to need chemotherapy, either.

Childhood Memories Revisited

As expected, we had an enormous amount of snow and cold weather when I was growing up in Chicagoland in the the 70s and 80s. One of the most important tools that we had in the house was our crock pot. Mom used it almost daily. We would come home from school, or inside from playing, and the entire house would be filled with the smell of something wonderful for dinner.

Of course, Mom would be near by exhorting us not to open the lid. The steam is what cooks the food, after all, and opening the lid would add half an hour onto the cooking time. Or, so she said. I could never substantiate that.

I have a 6 quart crock pot that Mom bought for me when I first moved out of the house. It's beautiful, and works wonderfully, but it's huge. So huge that I only use it for holidays or parties. There is just way too much to put into it for two people, even if we freeze half of it and eat lots of leftovers. When Linens 'n Things started their out of business sales, I bought a 4 quart one thinking that the size would be more reasonable for the two of us. It's perfect, but for one small glitch.

When you walk in the door, you smell NOTHING.

I put beef stew in it yesterday before I went to work. I also told H about it, so he was eagerly anticipating the smell and taste as well. When I walked in the door at 8:15 last night, I smelled nothing at all. Nothing. Turns out that there is a gasket on the lid that keeps all of the liquid (and aroma) in the pot where it is supposed to be. H said that he looked at it and touched it to make sure that it was working when he got home and smelled nothing. I checked it numerous times before I left the house but it was early enough in the process that I didn't expect to smell anything.

The stew was wonderful. I will put more salt and pepper and garlic in it for next time, but this was great for a first pass. And, once I opened the lid to check on it and give it a stir, the whole house was filled with the wonderful aroma. But, it wasn't quite the same as walking in the door and smelling dinner.

Sometimes technology isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Five for Friday

Things that make me happy:

1. Having a full day off and not being so exhausted that I need to spend the entire day in bed.
2. Pants that are a little too loose in the rear end and thighs.
3. My beautiful hands now that my nails have grown out.
4. My new Touch. Bejeweled 2 is The Bomb.
5. Being at peace. It's been tough, but I think that I'm there. Almost. Kind of. So help me, dammit.
   

Things that make me less than happy:

1. Weird weather. Either be cold or be warm or rain or snow. Make up your fraking mind.
2. Budget cuts. But, they all make sense and it's liberating in a strange way.
3. Sciatica (or whatever the hell it is) in my left butt cheek. At least it's not radiating down my leg.
   
4. Having to take down the few Christmas decorations that I put up in the first place. Where did the season go?
5. The way that the house can become a mess even when we're never here. What's up with that? I feel like I'm constantly cleaning. I can't imagine how terrible it would be if we had kids.
6. Mustaches. They don't bother me when they're on men, as they're supposed to be, but on me? Hate. It. Bring on the depilatories.
   

Dude!

I have several pairs of pants that have been quite tight recently. So tight, in fact, that I wasn't able to button them and breathe.

Now, they button. There is even a little wiggle room. Who'd a thunk it?

Move that Booty

Sooooooo tired. But, it's a good tired (even though I only had two hours of sleep last night).

I have been sleeping at every opportunity, but in a good way. If you can call sleeping all day "in a good way." Job # 1 has been incredibly busy, between the holidays and all of the restocking afterward. I haven't been to Job #2, but will go back on Sunday. It feels so good to be doing brainless work.

No, that's not true. It's not brainless, because much of the work that I've been doing at Job #1 has required forethought and planning. And merchandising vision. Can't forget the vision. But, as most of the planning is done for me, I don't have to think too hard. It's kind of nice. It sure beats the hell out of being stuck at the cash register all day.

Now, I just have to learn how to sleep again. Last night was particularly rough because H was thrashing about. I ended up leaving our room and camping out in one of the spare rooms. It was bad enough that both cats defected with me. I would like to go to sleep now but it is a little too early. I do have my pajamas on, though.

New Year, New You

Like millions of other Americans, I make lots of resolutions every January First that I never, ever keep. Many of my resolutions don't even make it past the first week of January. Keeping that in mind, I'm going to keep it simple this year.

I am going to learn how to let go.

Let's face it... my life has differed wildly from what I hoped or expected. And, that is fine. Really. I have a wonderful husband, family, friends, job. I need to count my blessings and let go of everything else.

I don't need to make a small fortune. I certainly don't need a lot of job pressure or travel. I don't need to have a Blackberry. I don't need business cards. I do need to feel appreciated. I need to put the right thing in people's hands at the right time. I need to get exercise. I need to be able to shut it off when I walk out the door.

Most importantly, I don't need to control every situation that I'm in. I never did anyway, but deluded myself into thinking that I had some say.

It's all about delusions in the long run, isn't it?